Back again!

It's been an incredibly life-changing 9 months since I last wrote. Hopefully, we're all changed for the better and progressing. I think so. In those 9 months, I have become ward choir director, directed 5 numbers at Christmastime, then launched into editing, directing, & conducting a very condensed musical and scriptural narrative of the LDS Church's "Savior of the World." We had our program Sunday night, and what an incredible night, especially for the audience, it was. It's been a wonderful journey for me, and for many of us, to do it, and it was neat to share it with so many and have them be touched by the Spirit and feel of the power of the Savior's life and love. It just leaves me wanting to do more, and unfortunately, in the back of my mind through this, especially as thankfully my focus has been taken off of the music I've created, there's been this little thought that asks, "So when do I get to do my music like this, if ever, in this life?" My husband, David, and I sang a duet that begins the show pretty much, "I'll Give God Forever." That song has been my theme song--it's bookended some pretty significant mileposts in my life, marriage, waiting for motherhood, motherhood, and now. I couldn't help thinking what it was going to mean to me now. Lots of things have resolved in our lives the last year, and part of what I've been thinking has been, maybe the time is right to truly do more with my music. Thinking about Savior of the World and my music the last couple of days, I've realized, & accepted, that more than anything, my absolute dream really is to orchestrate my music in the same way, do it with soloists and a choir, maybe as a type of program. As much as I love and feel so comfortable with the piano, I know in the end it just doesn't do things justice as accompaniment--and I just dream of doing my music in the same way we did "Savior of the World." I can hear it in my head--I always have--I write & think piano very orchestrally, and when I compose & arrange, I can hear things I would do, even if I can't put my finger specifically on how that sound would actually come about (which combination of instruments). Ah, to have my own orchestrator and typesitter and copyist and choir as Mack Wilberg does. I have a choir at my disposal, but they don't want to do my things--that's not what they're there for, and well, I don't sometimes feel like writing the piano, and would want to play the piano, thus never giving our dedicated accompanist the chance to play. I might be able to find an orchestra and choir willing, but then I don't have the time and the focus really to orchestrate (like I said, to have what Mack Wilberg does). I guess I just have to be like Alma, and say but I sin in my wish and ought to be content with what I have been alotted, but it can be a little sad to think that I will only ever really be able to do what others bring to me of what others have composed and arranged and may never get to do what I hear in my head. I love to perform my compositions and arrangements on piano, and want to get more comfortable doing voice and piano at the same time, but I know they are really just the beginning of what I long to do. That's the definition of a frustrated musician--someone who can't get to hear, or at the very least perform, what's in their head. It wouldn't be so bad if I had meaningful opportunities to share what I have done, such as piano and voice in a fireside, but I really have to get for those, and they come few and far between. have that. What all of this really comes down to is this: my sister, Amy, last summer posted a comment on one of my posts, saying I wish I could give you what you need. The things I need most are money, time, connections, opportunities, and drive. I have none of these. I have had opportunities and drive doing "Savior of the World," and it has felt so incredible. The feeling upon finishing that compared to finishing my fireside last year has been so starkly different. I know I will get more opportunities doing things like "Savior of the World." I need the above to have more opportunities to do more of my fireside, especially to improve upon what I did, which was a very immature effort. I want so much to do it again, knowing what I know now, having had the incredible experiences & growth I've had, but since it is my stuff, and people don't ask me to do my things--they ask me to do what they want, what they've heard and are familiar with (kind of like always raising other people's babies but never getting a chance to raise your own)--I don't want to create more opportunities for myself, when they're thinking, but we heard the same stuff last year. I've had nobody ask me to do any of it since, and at the very least, I just want opportunities. But to create those opportunities, you have to have the above, to get decent recordings so people think--there's really something here, to feel comfortable sharing it with others, and know they'll think we want to hear more. I do feel I could at least do a piano recording, possibly, but to really get it into CD form would be a major undertaking for which I don't have the means right now, or at least it would take some major spiritual impetus and faith to do with the means we have right now. I want to do a voice and piano recording just so I can combine it with pictures and post it on the Internet as a Youtube type of thing, and share it with others, but getting to where I can do that and do it justice takes means and time (since for one thing, I do not know the first thing about putting anything on Youtube in a form that really is listenable & makes people want to share it). So I sit and wonder, and sit and wonder. Someday--some life. I keep thinking maybe when my kids are in school, that's when it will open up for me, cause I'll have more time, but I don't really know that, and 4 or 5 years is a long time to go without really meaningful opportunities to do what is most meaningful and personal to me just in piano and voice form, even I'm not getting to my ultimate dream of orchestrating things as fast as I want to. So I'm a frustrated musician. A fulfilled musician at times so grateful for the opportunities I've been given, but I so want to know that I'm progressing which is most meaningful to me, sharing that which I have created in the way that is most perfect and powerful. Someday, some life, all I can say. Just hope that someday soon I can share what I do, at the very least. To start somewhere, I guess I can record piano, which takes time--it takes a lot of time I don't have, and so I just keep feeling a little bit stifled and unfulfilled in that way. Some day, some life! Smile! As Zacharias says to Elisabeth as their duet is starting, "Dear, shouldn't we stop thinking about having children?" Elisabeth's response is, "But I'm not just thinking about it. It's always here. It's always with me. How can I stop a thing I didn't start? I'll stop worrying, but I won't forget." That's where I am--can't stop thinking about it--it's always here--it's a part of me. Just need to go forward with faith, I think, right now. Sometime it's about just going forward, even if you don't know what you're going to do--you don't have the right page in front of you to continue following the script, but you do your best to improvise, and keep repeating, and trusting, and saying you'll keep trusting, and repeating (can you tell that happened to us Sunday night--an emotionally poignant moment for me, as it is was driven home to just keep trusting & having faith, improvising & repeating--just keep going forward, and He'll make it right). It's time. Time to do a good piano recording, time to record piano and voice, time to do another fireside, even if I have to "beg" to it instead of be asked, time to have our choir do "Savior, Redeemer" and then send it to a couple of choir directors in the music world with a bit of influence (you can guess who that is). Time to put things on Youtube--forget this website, right? YouTube's where it's really at, right? It's just time!