Fulfillment & Destiny

Do you ever wish you could just separate two halves of yourself so you could stop the conflicts that keep you from feeling peace? I know I am experiencing that. There are four sets of two halves of myself that are conflicting big right now. And, may I say, after writing all of this, the biggest conflict has to the one between that part of myself that is extremely self-critical, self-conscious, the one that has a really hard time expressing myself out loud or asking others to help, especially when it's something unnecessary but important to me, but can write & write & write, and the part of me that wants to just do my best, helping others do their best, giving what I can to others, the part of myself that my kids & usually my husband sees everyday where I have so much fun with them, being myself & sharing myself, loving them, serving them, and doing what I can, even if it's just my best, and isn't constantly having anxieties about asking for help, with both the necessary and the unnecessary but important-to-me things. But that said, these are the other conflicts that arise from this conflict. First of all, there's the creative, put-myself-out-there, be-in-charge-of-everything--from asking for an opportunity or just scheduling it, to organizing, to arranging, to coordinating the interest & efforts of many, to setting up, to living with the aftermath thing-self, versus the I-just-do-windows-self--I play the music I'm asked to play, because I'm not the kind that should have a creative side. I should just be one that stays in the background, or has enough people around her--managers--to make it so she just has to stay in the background, even if I'm playing something I've partially created. I wish I could just separate those halves, or sometimes I wish I only had one half--because it's too hard to shift modes without conflicts, especially where the first one, as I explain at the end, I need so much support in--and the first mode, I'm not sure I'm entirely cut out for, at least as far as where others are concerned--I'm not sure I'm seen that way--I get asked to play and that's it--when the playing is done, that's all I feel good for, or utilized for, in music--or when I try to stretch & do something more, I feel it just doesn't hit the mark where you'll be asked again to do it, especially since you were never asked in the first place to do it--if someone asks to do something, it's usually expected, especially at a certain level, that there's real competence and professionalism across the board demonstrated, that someone knows what they're doing overall, not just in one area. And thus the conflict continues over wanting to be more, but never feeling like I'm ever going to be. The second conflict occurs with music in a Church worship or inspirational setting vs. music that either promotes itself because it has to in order to continue to be made or music that is for fun, for decoration, for utility, which can include everything from teaching others so they can do something with it, to performing for a reason that fills a practical need. Enough said there for now, except the financial, promotional aspect, especially when it comes to sacred music, is always going to be a conflict. Except it takes money to make something others can benefit from. There are some who would say that sacred music doesn't need to have that component--or that we don't need the decorative sacred music. Except it really does take something to make it of good quality. I wish I didn't have to think about it, in that I only did secular music & the sacred music of choir & sacrament meeting. But I know if I did, and this goes right into the third conflict, that there is something that is so much a part of me, that to suppress it would literally hurt--it has. The third conflict is so much the same, but also has to do with others & the support I feel, especially in doing new things. I wish I could go to Church, play for choir, sacrament meeting, special musical numbers, never feel that there's more I want to do as well instead of just add to the worship, which is wonderful, but just doesn't feel like it's all I'm supposed to do. But to do more involves so much redefining, stretching, others seeing me in a different role, others supporting me in a different & very stretching role--not just with words & acceptance, but feelings--feelings of support, encouragement, & desire to help that understands how hard it is to ask & stretch, much as we would help when we know someone weak is doing something that requires a lot (even if it's something that means something just to them)--more than compliments, but expressions that they are glad to give & help. That might be asking so much--it might require so much--that I might retreat from doing more if I don't have that support--not that I'm supposed to rely on others--I'm the one that decides & needs to believe in me, I know--but we absolutely need others around us, who can support, catch the vision with us--even if we have a hard time communicating that vision--it's not like just playing something in a familiar role, in what is the usual, where I don't have to have extra support--I need that support, just like someone in a really new, scary, unfamiliar calling needs help, especially when you know they're weak. Doing more involves so much to happen that I'm not just sure it's ever going to happen--and thus the conflict continues, the lack of peace in knowing I'm using my talents in the way I feel such a desire to, a desire that's hopefully put there by the Lord, though sometimes I wonder if it's just me & not Him. I hope it's Him--I want to believe it is--but sometimes experience suggests maybe it's not. It's so hard to know what He wants--especially with sacred music. Obviously there are some who are meant to do so much more with music than just provide music for sacrament meeting, as important & wonderful & fulfilling as that can be. I guess it's because there are others that do more, either in the ward, the stake or even in the church as a whole, that makes me feel like I'm supposed to more--or it gives my spirit something to want to do--and I don't know if that's Him, or just me. I don't know if those who do so much more are just cut out for it & He provides the opportunities or others provide the opportunities because that's what they are made for. I'm not sure what I'm made for. I don't know. In the same vein, there's the conflict between my nonmusical self--sometimes all I want to be is a wife & mother, a good person, a good worker, a good friend, a good servant--but when I try to only focus on that, I feel like there's part of me that's just lying under the surface that is being neglected--a part I'm trying so hard to deny, but I just can't. I can do a lot, even with my kids young--so many times someone will say to me there's a time & a season. Tell that to the part of me who feels I need to continue to share, especially my creative self, the part of my self that knows so much spiritually but still needs a lot of encouragement, the part that I know is there, even when I try to neglect it and not think about it. It's something I have to fit in my life--hopefully I've been given talents to try to balance--or at least to work on it--life is a work in progress, & even learning to balance is a work in progress--I won't be perfect at it, but it's still worth taking the risks. I'm so grateful my children do get to be a part of this. When I get frustrated, it's not because I resent having more to do besides raising them--it's more about not being supported as much as I need to when I let all of the parts of me serve others in the way I need to. It's hard to know sometimes--as much as praying and being patient for the right time & season have the most worth, sometimes it's not enough--some of us really are weak and need some extra guidance, support, looking out for, opportunities, from those around us, even if we seem strong, or at least in other areas seem strong, just as we support someone who's just coming from being less active because we know if they don't have it, they just may not continue. And sometimes we need to know it's OK to do things now--just support us & don't tell us you just need to continue to be patient & wait. I need some real support in finding out what I'm made for--I think we all do--not just the old just pray & be patient & see things as they are. We all need support, individually, not just the one-size-fits-all approach. I hope I can give it. I pray we can all receive it.

I Will Be Your Light

I Will Be Your Light
The night is dark, I am far from home.
Frightened and uncertain, weary and alone.

Am I lost? Do I know the way?
My soul cries to my God?
Then my soul is calmed as I hear these words of love.

Chorus:
I will be your light in the darkness,
I will keep you safe through the storm,
I will give you hope as I prepare the way,
Strength to battle day by day,
And if you have faith and obey,
I will lead you home.

I lift my head; the answer brings me peace.
With my hand in His, my trust in Him I place.
So I take a step once more on a path I cannot see.
The Spirit's light will guide, the light that's within me.

Chorus

So when the storm comes, I will not fear.
For in the darkness, He always is near.
So I will turn to Him, no matter what,
And follow Him, and willingly I'll serve Him,
Because He knows the way.

Chorus
Chorus repeat

I will lead you home.
I will lead you home.

Audio's here agin

I'm posting my audio again. Again--PLEASE POST COMMENTS--THEY ARE MY LIFEBLOOD. Maybe I'm posting the audio again because I've actually been able to perform it as I really want it, with voice, so if someone hears these without the voice & says OK but..., I know there are others that have heard them with voice & know why I'm doing what I'm doing. Just know as you listen to the audio--it's missing something. And know that many of them--Where Shepherds Lately Knelt, Come, Come, Ye Saints, the long version of A Poor Wayfaring Man, How Great Thou Art, Lead Kindly Light--are just raw audio & haven't been mixed or edited--there may be stops & starts with them. There may be problems with having the files play smoothly, especially those up there, as they are cda files, not mp3. I just have to have disclaimers all over the place. They are not perfect--I will never be a note-perfect pianist--I am a spontaneous improviser. Next time I'm not going to record these on live piano--I'm going to do them on digital piano & do them as a MIDI file & just find a good MIDI sound (the 5 above above weren't, though all the rest were--so much for paying more for a good live piano). I have included the one track of I Stand All Amazed I recorded voice with also. Just know that was one take, that I don't have the greatest voice in the world, that midstream, we changed how our setup was if you notice a difference in the recording quality--I did become more comfortable with the singing as we went--maybe it shows. I know that nothing I do will ever compare to a live performance. And I know that I don't have the money to put into making something as close to a live performance as possible, so it is what it is. It's been a year since I started this account. I first recorded on a whim, because it was a cheap invitation, a year ago. Can I just say I've learned a lot in a year. I've changed a ton in a year. I'm definitely not the same person I was a year ago. We've gone through two last stages of unemployment, possibly some other interesting financial challenges, children in varying degrees of challenges--we're stronger in our marriage, outlasting a lot of things that would try to tear us down. And I am stronger--one way or another. I guess the culmination of all of this was the program I did Sunday night that many came to, mostly my family (including Dave's) & wonderful friends who have helped me through my life. Of course, it helped that Amy also was singing--she made the night, along with some help from Leah, my sisters, my husband who just kind of does everything because I make him, our choir, & others in our ward. It is a strange feeling, though, having it done. I have wanted to do this for a long time. I've resisted because of a lot of things--mostly because I was afraid I'd either do it, not like it, & wonder what then, or I'd do it, enjoy it, then have it be over, be my old self, & wonder what now. I'll tell you--my fear is true--it's the latter. It was not perfect--it was hot, it was a little too long, but those are fixable. I wasn't prepared, but for my family, they know how I work--I just make it work--or make it through--even if looks like half of it isn't done, or that I know what I'm doing somewhat but just haven't been able to help others know what their part is. I do know the songs I do with Amy, especially on a regular basis, were incredible. I do know I Stand All Amazed was wonderful. I still don't know about singing myself. I love to sing, and actually playing & singing aren't too bad--it can feel somewhat comfortable. But I'm not a singing personality--I don't have that connecting part of me when I sing. I just don't feel effective, like others would be. So I guess for next time, I have to ask myself if I need to sing. It's harder when I ask others to do things--it's wonderful, but then I have to figure out the logistics of trying to get others to understand what it is I want to do that comes pretty naturally to me. Put that together with all the other things I have to do, along with my qualms about asking others to help, and it can be daunting.

So I'm so glad I did what I did Sunday. It just feels weird to have it done & now to figure out what to do. It feels weird to have shared so much a part of me, of my testimony, of abilities, especially with people I'm around the most but maybe don't know me the most, & feel like maybe I'll never do it again, that it's a one-time thing, that it happened only because I finally just did it, whether anyone felt I should or not. It was amazing to share so much of the music I've done, along with so much that I feel, all at one time--a once-in-a-lifetime thing. It will just be weird to have done it for a few people around me & then never do it again, especially when I know it really wasn't something that most knew that much about, because I finally just forced it on them--and those who weren't there will never know me in the other way that I was sharing that night or know why I do what I do & feel what I feel. I do know that what I did isn't just sharing my talents or abilities--it's sharing me, my testimony--and especially because it is so stretching, my vulnerabilities--and especially since it's sharing things I sometimes don't understand how I do,it's sharing my gifts--gifts sometimes that I know I don't understand, but know I have to share--because they are abilities combined with experiences & testimonies that only come from one place--I've got to share them, even if others don't understand them as well or why I do what I do. It would be one thing to just play. But I've got to have the speaking to share what I truly feel needs to be shared. I've got to share myself & the reasons I do what I do--it's the reason why I have these gifts. I feel I have to explain why I do what I do--the process, the Spirit, the experiences that have inspired the choices I have made. I don't know if next time I will do all the speaking--it's not about the speaking, necessarily, I know. But I know for me, there is so much tied into why I choose to do what I do, that to not explain it leaves a portion of the performance out--and it leaves out some of my testimony & the understanding I want to share. I know that it really doesn't matter how anyone views it or sees it, but with something like this--something like sharing music that is so much a part of me but maybe isn't so obviously a part of me--that kind of self-consciousness is something I'm grappling with. I want to do this totally because the Lord wants me to, because I totally feel it, because I do--it is hard, though, because I know not everyone, especially those that I know somewhat personally or those that are more musically inclined, knows how to take it or respond, and that, for some weird reason, is something I think a lot about, especially since what I do, & what I am, is more unusual than just singing or playing or composing or writing a program--and plus I tend to be a little more on the reserved side, something that sometimes probably seems so unexplainable & incompatible when I have a much easier time sharing thoughts when doing a fireside-type program or teaching--I think about how that comes across--not real, since I can't be the same person in all settings? But I digress--random thoughts.

So--I need to overcome this insecurity & anxiety about how some people view me, don't I? I am me, I know. I guess in the last few years, my sense of self has kind of taken a beating, especially in the context of living in one neighborhood, living with one group of people that you learn to serve & live with, share your challenges with, fit the life of your extended family & outside interests in--learn to become a family. It is a family--it is strange, but it really is. If there's one thing that has really been something that has been hard for me to figure out is how to have relationships, especially in sharing talents, in a ward family, in the context of sharing my talents outside of it, with my extended family & with the rest of the world at large. We all live in so many families--extended, world, Church, ward, even stake. The most unique is probably the ward because you don't have the ready attachments that occur in an extended family but you are still required to serve in some ways as if you do, while still maintaining the boundaries that exist around families. That is a strange concept to be talking about in the midst of my music stuff. But it really is something that is interesting--and a challenge--to me, now that I verbalize it by writing it down. How strange.

I also know that I need these kind of opportunities to share. It just is not the same if I'm not sharing the talents--the gifts--I know the Lord has given me, in the way that I feel He wants me to share. To not have opportunities feels very stifling--I can't explain it, but it feels like there is a part of me that just isn't living like it should be. It's just hard to get to that point of feeling like I'm the person that's supposed to be doing the sharing & programs--for whatever reason, I'm trying to get my head around people actually liking me for what I might say & sing, & even compose, not just what I play--actually I would like to do that in other places, but like I said above, it's just weird that I may never do that with the people around me (in the ward or stake), because they just don't see me that way--I've lived here six years, played almost every single one of the compositions I did Sunday at one time or another here in our ward or stake, but never had anyone ask much about them or to share more at one time, along with things like my testimony that I try to share often-- to be fair, maybe they knew I was busy & didn't want to add to the stress, though I do this so freely & have tried to tell others that I wanted to do something like this, but most didn't try to encourage me, not that that's their job. I do want & need to get to the point that I feel comfortable in any situation, because I'm comfortable with me, & not how others react to or even perceive me, especially in light of the fact that I know so much about what I know & feel--I talk & testify about it as I share it with others--but then I struggle so much with these insecurities, that it almost feels hypocritical, or at least very detractive--not being able to see me as others see me in situations--it's a process of becoming less self-centered, I know--but in some ways, it takes getting to know yourself, not just as you know you, but as others know you, in the midst of the world, in the midst of the collection of families we belong to. It was only when I learned how--and was willing to take big risks--to ask some very pointed questions about myself & my insecurities, something that's scary because it exposes so much of me that sometimes I feel so self-conscious about, that I really felt like I could get somewhere with this--ironic that humbling myself enough to talk about what is most important--and most scary--to me can lead to me being less self-centered. I posted on Facebook yesterday that I want the real me to stand up--& keep standing--not the one that does this for a night, then disappears because I just don't have the power to help others feel what I'm sharing that I have been given from the Lord, or I just don't have the focus that can sustain the kind of feeling needed to always be in this mode, in this zone. I do hope I have other opportunities. I think I will--hopefully sooner rather than later, because sharing the things I shared is an incredibly spiritually uplifting & fulfilling experience--I don't want to say addicting, but there is something about it that is incredibly rewarding & wonderful & spiritually enlivening. Life really is a work in progress. Music is a work in progress. I'm grateful for those who help me on my journey or progression, in so many different aspects of my life, as I learn & grow. And I'm grateful to help those that the Lord has placed in my life so that I can help them on their journeys of progression. I'll continue to come, never resting. Lead Kindly Light. Lead Thou Me on. Lead Me Home. Savior, Redeemer, of my Soul, make me worthy of Thy love & fit me for the life above. I Know That My Redeemer Lives--to give me all & do all, as I follow His light!