Fulfillment of Dreams by Changing Those Dreams

I apologize in advance for no paragraphs--still don't know why they don't show up when I publish. It's been a year since I posted in this blog. No, it really doesn't matter a whole lot, since I really don't have too many that would ever read this anyway. But I feel, at least for me, I need to share the growth and changes that have occurred since last fall when I posted, the things that have been resolved, and the things that are in the process of being done because of that. Resolution and fulfilling look much different than I would have anticipated, but I'm so grateful for the journey that I've been on, because it is His journey for my growth, not my journey, and that I have come to be able to accept, trust in, and even love and welcome with all my heart. True contentment is when His will is not just submitted to, but is what He want and love, because it has become our will, or that we trust enough to let it be our will without asking why. The higher step of course is being so in tune and purified in Him that His will is what we want--that our desires and actions in fulfilling those, as well as our inspiration that come directly from Him, naturally are His will. I can truly say I'm getting there, and that is a big accomplishment for me--something that sometimes you think you're doing, but when you really look at what your desires are, break them down--and when you haven't taken the risks to find out how much those desires are in line with His will, if at all, which I think is possibly one of the most valuable steps, because it is done with His trust in His will, with trust in those that He has placed around us, and is done with trust in the Atonement, that He can correct those desires that aren't in line with His will, and He can make up for whatever things have happened when those desires are shared with others and turn out not to be His will. My last post in November last post was in the middle of the beginning of the end (if that makes any sense) of a very stormy period personally for me--personally because most of it was within me--and the start of a wonderful season of understanding, submissiveness, healing, and effort to go forward serving and living with a renewed sense of who I was, and how I related to others--and most especially, who He was and how He related to me and could help me, even with some very significant, life-long struggles with thoughts, thought-patterns, and feelings. Overarching this journey has always been music, because it just embodies all the colliding and sometimes contradictory elements of my life, such as having some great talents but not the personality to share those as powerfully as I thought I should be able to (& feeling a lot of guilt and frustration over that), being frustrated that the opportunities that would make sharing the music I have composed much easier, and much more powerful in His service were not coming very easily, and the service in music I could give outside of composing and arranging that sometimes felt awkward, inconsistent, and sometimes non-existent, in the things outside of playing piano (you're always needed as an accompanist). Of course all this healing and enlightenment led to having more music come (not all of it great yet--but some of it is!), thus compounding the problem of all this music that weighs me done because it's not "preserved," but it's all been good, as I will share. I'm so happy to say that I've come a long way--no, I've come all the way--and it's not me that's come, but it's been through Jesus Christ, and following Him, and sometimes doing things that have been hard that He's helped me to do--and then see what they really meant after I did them--that I have come here. Got a long way to go, I do, but I look back and see how far I've come, and I know that I can get where I need to be, complete, healed, and whole. I have an incredibly understanding and patient husband whose sat with me and listened as I complained, then expounded, then shared my enlightened views. He's put up with a lot. I'm grateful for friends, many of whom unwittingly have played a role in this. The Lord teaches us and helps us through each other, if we are willing to help Him direct us in that. And I'm grateful for Him, who has never given up on me, and saw where I could be through true faith in Him, turning to Him for complete healing and strength. It's funny that turning to Him also leads us to then seeing others in our lives where they're supposed to be, in an ironic sort of way. We are to content with what we are alotted, and that can be with others in our lives as well. It's still not easy, fitting music into my life the right way, especially in the course of being a wife, mother, member of Christ's church, friend, and sister. But these are the things that I have learned that I want to share here--in order from those I've most recently learned to those that I started learning a year ago. I'll share those, and then I'll tell you where I am at in music currently. 1) I have never applied Alma 29 from the Book of Mormon to my life, until after I had a "conversation" with some a couple of weeks ago, expressing some frustration that I would love to be doing other things right now with music (not really understanding still why I'm not the kind of person who would be seen as doing those things, wondering if it was my weaknesses keeping me from being able to do those things). Well, all of the sudden I started putting myself into Alma 29--"O that I were an angel, and could have the wish of my heart, to cry repentance to every people....but behold, I do sin in my wish, and I ought to be content with what the Lord has alotted unto me). I've always wondered if I was failing the Lord if I wasn't sharing the music he has given me--that which I have composed & arranged, which no one else could share, because it's what He's given specifically me. I've wondered if He might have even condemned me for not figuring it out, so what He has given me could be used in the way He needed it to be. But suddenly my mind caught hold of & accepted (it's not like this was a new concept, I just finally truly accepted it) that this really Has been His will, that I'm in the situation I am in life, not having recorded anything that I feel I can share and that can be powerful yet, not feeling like I have the resources (including people like video editors and the like--even good hairdressers would be a help, because there's nothing like a performer who feels awkward about how she looks!) to be as powerful an instrument in His hands in sharing what only I could share, that came from Him--and that could only be shared through me, either as a pianist, singer, accompanist, conductor of the music He's given me that I've composed and arranged. But, you know, I have always tried to be humble (even as I was purified in that desire to be an instrument--and it's taken a lot of purification), and seek His will--and when you're humble and try to do what is right in His eyes, it's always His will. What has happened is His will. He has made accommodations for my weaknesses. He can share His word through others, and He may share it more widely through mine someday. It doesn't mean what I do isn't any lesser in value--it is my best effort, and it is what He would do if He were me. He will use my strengths, when He needs them, and He will use others' strengths, when He needs theirs--and using their strengths (even when I haven't been able to figure out why I wasn't seen by others and asked in the same way that others were) does not diminish how He feels about me and what I do. We all contribute meaningfully. For me, it probably hits home more, ironically, because I am a performer. I can't tell you how many times I've heard about my talents being this or that, kind of like, because she's a performer, well, she's got it made in the talent department (try lessons on talents in LDS Relief Society). Well, it doesn't make it for anyone--and sometimes the problems are even more complex, and they're more isolated because they're aren't a lot of people who can relate, and so it really takes a lot of risk-taking to share with others who may be far-removed from the situation and ask for their advice. But we all have talents, strengths, and weaknesses that are used by the Lord--and sometimes not used by Him--in the same way. I'm so grateful for that, because it's opened up a lot of understanding and healing for me. I'm content with what I'm alotted. 2) But that doesn't mean I should not be anxiously engaged in bringing to pass much righteousness, even through talents--and maybe more, doing what He would do if He was me with those talents. This has been a hard one, because I have an ache to share, and I've said so much, that if I was not going to be able to share the music I have composed & arranged now--music that is on my mind ALWAYS!, partly because that's the nature of my talent, partly and partly because it hasn't been "preserved" and recorded to its fullest, or at least to something usable and sharable, and made worse because there's so much that is not preserved and that weighs my mind down, like 25 to 30 different arrangements and compositions, in their various forms--that I would sometimes rather just be able to forget the music until that time comes. Of course I don't want to do that--and I don't want to lose the ability to make music (said after nearly cutting the top of my thumb off twice the last few weeks and really having a problem with coughing the last 2 months)--but it really is some thing that just aches inside of me. I'd gotten to the point two times in the last few weeks that I said, OK--it must be the Lord's will that I not record now (I'd already realized that there were a lot of other things I wasn't going to do already, like direct a choir), so I just went about doing other things. Then something would happen, and I'd realize, that, yes, this is something that is alotted to me right now. First, it is an outlet--and I need that outlet, recording (writing isn't necessarily--got to feel a purpose in it--but I could record always--just wish I knew that recording would turn out well in the end, and I wouldn't hit the glitches I usually hit because I still lack a lot in the technical department, though I do what I can), and this music is something I need to "preserve" for the Lord (said as my husband and I finished bottling 45 quarts of grape juice last night, and I thought, you know, if we put as much focus, time, energy, and effort into preserving this music, we could have it recorded, at least for my benefit to use in my personal service to others, here at home--then we'll see if He needs it in the wider online world--in no time--and I asked myself, "Is this something that needs to be preserved?" and felt, "Yes, this is something that should be preserved, for those very reasons." I could go through the process I went through, where I'd realized that I didn't want to do just a one-time fireside this year--I wanted something that could last for people and continue doing good--a recording. And as I went forward to record with others, realizing soon that we couldn't bear the burdens of this anymore ourselves (recording alone with others, even though I don't know if I really have anything still to share that's any good, because I haven't been able to finish the process, because of costs to finish, and have thus started with many, have lots of recordings but nothing great--has been at least $1000 over the last 4 years)--that doesn't count what I've spent here at home. So I thought of ways that I could help others to share the burdens with us, in a spirit of consecration (instead of personally finding the money to put into it up front, impossible for us anyway now, and then asking for help in recouping that by selling what we ended up with). And went forward with a couple of Kickstarter projects that didn't go anywhere (would have had $500 between the two projects, but people didn't realize that since the 1st didn't go through, they'd have to donate again to the second to make it count--so we didn't make it on that one either). So I've had to decide if I'm really up to recording with the equipment I have here--which, in some cases is no, but in some is yes. Yes, I can get something OK-sounding, but it sure takes a lot of time & effort, not to mention memory, because it seems each time I turn on the computer, I either have to remember how I overcame a certain problem last time--or a new one creeps up. And it takes a lot of perseverance, because unlike going to record somewhere else, where you set aside a chunk of time, here, I steal little moments of time (and that's what it feels like--stealing, because it's my kids and family I take it from, with them still under my noses--at least when I record with someone else, I don't have to have them feeling like I'm ignoring them when I choose to do something else with them here). It's something that takes a lot of focus, a lot of different moments of time, and may not be something I ever get done. But hopefully, it can still be an outlet. And I hope I get it done. Because I need something to share with others. Which brings me to my second point about recording. This is something needed by Him--I can serve in the way He would do if He were me, because I, like all of us, have unique talents, and He will use those talents in different ways, even different from what He did on this earth, that are still just as needed, valuable, and His will. And that I don't need to create what feels like an artificial opportunity for others to come together to sing for others, to share music together, if I have something to take to others, that can be something that will keep on giving. And if I have that something to give others, maybe others will be inclined to join in naturally. Of course, it's always something I wanted to have--a recording to share with others personally, much in the same way we take a loaf of bread or flowers to others to tell them we're thinking of them. And I've decided that serving in that way really is just as valuable for others, even if it's not necessarily seen in that way--it may seem like decoration, but sacred music is the core of our worship, our strength, and even can be a great strength to our testimonies. And the Lord may not have need for it in the world at large, but I think He wants me to use my agency to do good in my little circle, wherever that circle may be. And then He'll lead from there. I'm grateful to serve as the Lord has alotted to me, as He would do if He were me (because we're all unique, and He would have us do differently from someone else, but it's just as valuable when done with true faith, love, and humility). I'm content with whatever callings He gives to me in His service. Some others seem to be asked to do things without a calling--they have the abilities but most especially the personality for that--and while I'm not sure if that will ever be the case with me, it doesn't have to be, especially if I still can serve in the ways that are meaningful to me with sharing a recording, not just a one-time performance of something. So my update to my blog. Now I don't have to feel like this unresolved blog post from last year is still hanging out there. Like I said, the resolution and fulfillment are much different than I anticipated, but it is His will. And I can trust that whatever happens is His will, and that even if it's different from that which I would have thought of or wanted, it is a blessing for me, it is a blessing from Him, and that it is for my good and for the good of those He would have me serve, even if that number is fewer than I see others being able to share with and serve (we do live in an online world where the number of people we can touch is almost limitless--and there are many that have the abilities, personality, and opportunities to touch many, many lives). I'm content with what I'm alotted, however wide that circle may be, now and in the future, and I'm grateful for those that I touch, both in music and outside it, for my children, for those I teach and serve in other callings, and for friends who have helped me, one way or another, in the roles they have played, the advice they have offered, and in their true friendship and contributions and service given freely. I'm very grateful for life and hope to have whatever I need to do whatever He would have me do. I love you too! 3) OK, one very big last thing I have to share. It's two-fold, but related. First, that the Lord is the best mentor, therapist, friend, and helper we can have. I said last year that all my life I've been searching for a mentor, wanting one to help me develop and share the unusual talents I had, helping me find resources and opportunities to do so. Others have had those mentors, helpers, resources, or have found a way to gather and keep those people around them, and that's what I felt I was missing. Plus it's great to have someone who is like-minded, who has the same vision, who can help you in fulfilling that vision (which of course, isn't going to happen, because you're vision isn't there vision, but somehow there are a lot of people who do connect in that way and use their collaborations to make big things happen). I've realized--and sometimes have had to find out through trial and error--that the Lord really is the only true mentor, for me. He has been my therapist, my friend, my all. I don't know why sometimes I have to feel alone in this, when there are so many who it seems could have been able to help, and just didn't see me in the way that they could give that help. At the very least, I've always wanted some monetary help, because recording is not an inexpensive thing, and like I shared about this year, I really did feel that maybe I needed to turn to others to help bear the burden of recording--but the amount I've put into it isn't very great (been great for us in our circumstances, but compared to what others put into theirs, it's not). And I don't know if the Lord will ever help provide that. I know it would be necessary to be able to do a lot more in sharing this music more powerfully, getting full-blown orchestral recordings that really just do reach more powerfully (I might play the piano very orchestrally, but it doesn't mean it carries that power--wish it did, though!). But I am content with what I am alotted. And I know that I don't have to feel guilty or less because I don't have that power, and maybe won't until the next life. He really is the best mentor. I don't know what else He will teach me from here about being interdependent, especially after having felt very dependent on others and coming to the point where I could truly say I wasn't and relied on Him totally. But I will let Him guide that from here, having done what I could to figure it out myself and come to depend on Him intrinsically. There's a second part to this. I am enough. Or more correctly, in Him I am enough. I think I expressed in my blog post a year ago that I have always wished I was either a male, because they seemed to be listened to more & more powerful (I know that's being awfully simplistic, and they have a lot of challenges I don't have), or I wished I was "cuter," or had a more powerful personality, so that what I looked like didn't detract from what I did in performing and sharing music, and could enhance the music, or that I would have the personality to just make it happen, no matter what. I've been able to do things like that when I had callings, but without those purposes that include extra help, I've felt a bit lost, especially after experiencing them and then having to figure out how to do it without--how to do much good of my own free will while still being content with the things alotted to me, submitting to and hopefully wanting His will in the first place. But you know, I am enough, because that's how He's made me. Not that He doesn't want me to be a better me (and He does), and not that I haven't come a long way and still want to become so much better for Him, but I really am enough--I am content with who I am, how He's made me, weaknesses, strengths, and all. And in Him, I can be perfected, in the way He would have me be. And He could help me to perfectly use my strengths and weaknesses for His good, to build His kingdom, in His service, to spread His good. I'm grateful for Him, and I'm grateful for me. It's a process, being grateful for yourself--can't say that I, like all of us, don't have days and moments where I wish I was different or feel short of what I would like to be, or what He'd like me to be (and those can be 2 different things). But I can truly say that, because of my faith in Him, I am perfected in Him, even now--and I, with Him, am enough.

MUSIC!!!

OK. I’m finally going to do it. I have to. I’m pushed to. You can call it "All I ever didn't want to know about music and what Christine Monson thinks about it." Been thinking about this many nights, though—and since I might as well get up and do it if I’m not going to be able to sleep so I can actually get it off my mind and get some sleep another night, here we go—and hopefully I won’t be too tired tomorrow. I’ve got to write about music. In doing so, I know that few, if anyone, will understand why this is such a challenging, all-encompassing subject for me. It is an intersection of music’s intrinsic power, and its purity as a medium through which spiritual truths can be expressed and shared, in a world where some, like professional musicians, can understand why it can drive someone to want to do it all of the time, in a context where, in the LDS Church, it is a significant component of our worship, but usually in a lay setting that is very much in opposition, not in a bad way, to the fact that the service that Christ gave seems so opposite music, as music can be seen as a decoration only, and not the life-saving service that we give so wonderfully in our Church (it’s the case in many others as well—but as I am LDS, and that absolutely informs how I see the world and truth—and feel it also--I openly and wholeheartedly come from that perspective—and all of that comes especially in the setting of my strengths, talents, experiences, weaknesses, and testimony that make it wonderful but oh, so challenging because of the particular interplay of all of them. So we’ll give this a go—and hope the 850 words a minute I can think in my mind can translate into what I need it to be as I encounter a keyboard that can only type 100 words a minute and have what I have already written as the medium to continue my thoughts onward. I do this because I feel so much in the middle of two truths or forces that work in opposition to another in a wonderful way—paradoxes, if you will. First of all, I am always in the middle of what I talked about above, in knowing that music isn’t necessarily life-changing—Christ didn’t go around healing or serving people with music—but at the same time, I know absolutely and have experienced its power to absolutely touch and life—and even to heal. I know music has a power second to none to be a medium of the Spirit as pure as any other, in addition to loving service, spoken words, and physical touch. Of course, if abused, its power can be manipulated and turned for evil—or confusion. And I know very fully how incredible music, classical or not, can create emotions, that are as powerful as the spirit—knowing that, I think it’s very important that that music be underlain by good, noble, and virtuous intentions or stories (I think of a time when I got to see Phantom of the Opera in St. Louis on my mission, and some of the other sisters and I were talking, and they said there were moments in an otherwise unsavory story that felt so “spiritual”--just be careful of what you tie music and its power to—I’d hate to abuse that power, because I think it is “sacred”). It has a power that is incredible. I am so grateful for the power of music that I have felt throughout my life, that which we think of as classical and that which we think of in other ways. I am so grateful for music. Couple that power, though, with spiritual truths, especially those borne of experience and emotion going through life’s challenges and joys, and it is a power like no other. Through the talents I have, over the last 14 years, I have created many arrangements and some compositions in a very personal spiritual process that are so closely tied to sharing my testimony and what I have experienced and learn, as they have come to me in ways that are significant to the events of my life. Over the last year, for some reason, as I have experienced what seems to be the culmination of some trials and events in my life, I have composed several pieces that are very highly personal, because they are so tied to how I have gotten through it all, where my strength has and does comes from. The last couple of years, I have been involved with putting together group experiences in music, two of them with mine, one with someone else’s, giving me a chance to experience developing as a leader through music (and to have some pretty special spiritual experiences as I thought about the truths that I was trying to share through music, even composing several songs in the process)—a good process of seeing myself progressively in different ways and being OK with being a leader in music—or being OK that others can see me as a leader, notwithstanding my weaknesses, even if it’s just for a moment till we move on from that temporary project. My patriarchal blessing talks about being blessed with many talents by the Lord, and because of that, He expects in return, great accomplishments from me as I go forward in service to Him. It has been a wonderful experience to be a part of some great things our ward has done. But my soul wants to do more, and more regularly—I’ll talk about that below. Unfortunately of fortunately, as I will talk about later, I have been blessed with some pretty significant musical talents (I’ll talk about them a little later). It’s not just playing the piano—if that was the case, this wouldn’t be such a big deal (I mean, music is in my mind constantly, not just because I play it, but because I hear it, I understand it, I feel it—add to that the spiritual component of wanting so much to share my testimony and knowledge through music, to build His kingdom, not just in our ward—although, as it has been, if that’s the only avenue open now, that’s where it has to be, regardless of the awkwardness of that, because in doing that, I know it’s not about me, but the fact is, music is such a big part of our worship—but putting all of these factors together, and you have someone who always feels so much the need to have what I do that is so personal and significant to me as a regular, predictable, fulfilling, spiritually uplifting and serving outlet who feels conflicted because that service could be, as it has been, done at the ward level, especially without other opportunities, but wants to be, because it can be and because so many others do it, done at a much wider—and it could be said—great level—again, what is great?). Because of that, the nature of my service leans towards music. Some might say, well, that’s wonderful. Well, it can also be a source of guilt, as when I’m doing something in music, something that’s so much a part of me, I feel a sense of guilt in knowing that it’s taking me away from other forms of service that could be life-changing and more personal. I don’t want to feel that guilt. I want it to be OK that that is the course, for whatever reason by virtue of my talents I was given, that I was supposed to take. In that sense, I wish I could know that others would see that service through music just as valuable, just as life-changing, because it’s something I feel led and even compelled to do, so I don’t have to feel guilty about it. At the same time, I wish others could see how much I love to serve in other ways, how I try to do it as much as I can, and utilize the even celebrate the fact that I can and do and am more than able to serve in other ways. I wish it didn’t have to feel like because I’m a musician, that means I am not seen as able—and not seen as choosing—to give service in other ways. I can and do do it, as much as I can. It is so nice when I can have that fact acknowledged. Of course, this isn’t to talk about the fact that, like all of us, I have weaknesses that can sometimes get in the way of serving. I do—but to be honest, the biggest “weakness” of all,, if you will, is the fact I am a musician, with talents that can and are used to build His kingdom, and doing so is always a choice, whether it’s directed from someone else or not, to not be able to serve in other ways. Kind of like the opportunity cost principle of economics. Enough on that particular paradox for now. So talking about another paradox I am in the middle of requires talking a bit about my life and how music and my talents, along with my weaknesses and personality, have played such incredibly significant roles in shaping both my life and how I see things. I started piano when I started kindergarten, I believe. My mom is a pianist—she accompanied lots of choirs, the ones my mom and dad met in—when I was in her womb—and my dad is a trombonist, having played in the 23rd Army National Guard Band for years and years. Music was a significant part of our lives. My mom says something about how I would play what the kids she was teaching were playing, and so she wanted me to start lessons (I think all of my 2 brothers and 3 sisters have these abilities, to some extent—I as the oldest, may have gotten a jump start on developing them, and continued it probably a little more formally than any of them did—hopefully I didn’t monopolize time and resources to their exclusion! I love my family!). So I started with a teacher when I was almost 6. I don’t know much of how I was as a student, other than it was very easy for me—maybe because I understood music and how it is built so intrinsically, I couldn’t understand why my teachers didn’t get that, because they were just piano teachers, not theory teachers. What I do remember, though, is maybe being in 1st grade, and having my uncle, a professional saxophonist and flutist, be amazed at what I was doing as I played—I don’t know exactly what I was doing, but it must have been somewhere along the lines of composing, improvising, transposing—something like that. Because so many of my mentors and teachers have been pianists or instrumentalists, coming from the background of how they understood music, I have really appreciated it when others who “get” the talents of improvising, composing, transposing—just understanding music in a different way—have something to me—I’ve longed for someone like that as a mentor, because what I do is unusual. I remember being a senior in high school and going to my great-aunt’s nursing home for our annual Christmas family sing-along—and playing for it, improvising and transposing at will—and having a lady there who must have been visiting family and just overhearing what I was doing come in and say, “I don’t know if you realize that, but what you are doing is something that only one in a million people can do.” I appreciate that kind of recognition—only because, notwithstanding the many teachers and mentors I have had through my life, few have really been able to see, or at least channel, those talents above what they were teaching me in piano, or other things. I always felt a little empty because of that, I think, like these talents are such a significant part of what I do and am, but because I had piano teachers who were only focused on that, just really only understood that part of music, I never had the mentoring in channeling these talents in a university setting (something I really long for now, because once you’re out of college, you’re on your own!). Of course in all of this is the fact that, perhaps if I was male or a very uninhibited female and seemingly outgoing and confident, that I would have that mentoring—that recognition of those talents. I experienced this from an early age, when a boy with similar talents, a year younger than I, who went to elementary with me, was very celebrated for these talents, and used them in flashy ways that was very celebrated. For me, I was a pianist, even as much as I tried to break out of “just” that. I remember in 1st & 2nd grade playing in our school talent show, and always feeling upstaged by him, because he was a cute boy, he was male. Not feeling that same acknowledgment, not being necessarily a “cute,” powerful. outgoing female, and not being male, I danced in 3rd grade for my talent show (even though I didn’t take dance—I really wonder what it was like! But honestly, I love dancing!)—and sang in 4th grade, because I loved singing (more later), it was a different part of me that went against the “shy” personality that everyone thought I was. Of course, I wasn’t as cute or possibly naturally gifted as a singer as other girls were—I don’t know—don’t you wish you could go back and see how things really were, why you started to see yourself the way you do, and see how closely your perception matched reality?). I continued piano, in the midst of developing the other natural talents I had—academics and athletics (how and why they all ended up being combined as pretty significant talents in me, along with my weaknesses, is an interesting question). I started playing violin also. I had taken from a local teacher until 4th grade, not really doing a whole lot extraordinary through music, then 4th through 6th, I took from a music teacher who moved into our ward, who fostered a greater knowledge of music, although I didn’t ever get to playing “wow” pieces. Then she moved and I started with the piano “professor” at Weber State. She suddenly introduced me to “wow” pieces, and suddenly I was wowing a little more. Of course, I am not, and will never be, a note-perfect pianist—some of my strengths are to blame for that—and I’m OK with that. But to really be one of “those” pianists in the classical world, you have to be. But I did well enough to take from a college teacher at Utah State from 9th -12th, with some stops & starts in the middle of a busy school and sports life, and some family challenges (after the Weber one left—and no, not Gary Amano—not the note-perfect pianist that he would demand). None of these teachers ever fostered anything in the composition/improvisation route, although I tried to show those abilities—they just didn’t get it. Fast forward to graduation, and getting a 4-year academic scholarship to BYU (ended up with one to Utah State also, where I could have continued piano as I had done it, but wanted to go to BYU). I had always thought I’d study piano in college—and when I auditioned for BYU’s piano program and was denied, I was pretty devastated, because I had no idea how much music would be a part of my college life from that point on, and felt that my options were possibly gone. I just wanted them to know of my other abilities, how they could work in conjunction with my piano—but most piano teachers, even university ones, don’t understand that—they’re not taught or paid to. So I ended up at BYU for my freshman year, having only an organ class (in retrospect, there could have been so many other avenues available to me there, but for me, all I knew was you go and you study piano because you’re a pianist—I just needed a mentor to help me understand how to channel my talents—I’m still looking for that!). In March of that year, I decided that I would be so much happier doing music, and seeing no way to do that at BYU (and wanting to move back home anyway—cheaper, and my family had been through some major trials and we needed some new beginnings together, I think), I decided to go to Weber. At the time, Weber’s piano program was very much in its infancy, and even with my weaknesses in piano, I very much shined there, getting a piano scholarship, accompanying Weber State Singers. Still, I didn’t have any recognition of needing to channel some of my other talents (except by Evelyn Harris, WSS’ director, who was a wonderful friend and support—but there was only so much she could do because that wasn’t her area). Honestly, at the time, Weber didn’t have a lot of other opportunities for channeling—it was grown so much in opportunity and stature since I was there. Along the way, I began the college music theory courses—there’s 2 years of them required—registering for the 2nd year, I think, taking a test to determine where I was (& passing incredibly well for someone who only had ½ year of theory in high school and the smatterings I got from piano). Then I went to talk to the theory teacher, who found out I hadn’t had the 1st year, and he strongly suggested—no, it felt like he was telling me—that I needed the first year. That was devastating, because all I wanted to say was, you don’t get it—you don’t get how easy this is for me, even if I haven’t had the “academic” introduction, how much it’s a 2nd language that I never had to learn (that I’ve only had to learn the terminology for, as I have studied theory more). I couldn’t help thinking, back to my elementary days, that if I was a male, or a powerfully outgoing female that could say, “I do get it, and you can’t tell me otherwise,” that he would have just said, OK. But I didn’t feel I could challenge him on it, so I took the 1st year (yes, it was way easy, a waste if you want to call it that). I still feel like that—so much like that. I want to be taken seriously as a musician, as a composer. I long for someone like a Mack Wilberg to look at my stuff and say, “Wow, we need to use what you have here, because it is valuable). But I’ve seen it enough in my life to know that there are certain types of people that “fit” that bill as composer—and if you don’t fit it, if you haven’t taken the traditional course (even someone like Janice Kapp Perry has her story—and she has strong males who have fostered her opportunities), you just aren’t taken seriously. I have so much music to share. People will say, oh, you’ll get your opportunity—you’re raising children now (they are getting bigger—and they are my greatest treasures, no matter what music is! And my husband is my miracle, no ifs, ands, or buts, and my greatest support). But I still need to share what I have now. It is a need that aches (some musicians will understand that). It is a need that’s not just about music, but about serving and sharing what means so much to me and the journey I have taken to get there—my testimony, my trials, and how my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are my all, and have taught me and led me through so much. What, you ask? A parents’ divorce at 18, a brother’s suicide that same year (ot to blog about those still—writing about those is the next step), the challenges coming from an intersection of upbringing, strengths, and weaknesses, going through years of singleness, marrying my miracle at 32, becoming instant mom to 3 children, my two stepsons full-time, each with some very significant challenges that have created wrenching situations and experiences that I could only begin to describe, having my youngest brother also commit suicide, having a little 20-week stillborn (that’s what she was, and her name is Rachel—I’ve got to blog about her), going through some significant financial challenges, and having my two beautiful daughters (one with PKU) who are, with my husband, the light of my life. All of these things have provided a backdrop for the music I have arranged and composed. When I arrange a hymn, I try to so intentionally create music that so closely reflects the message, feeling, and story of the text. When I compose a song, I want it to be something that expresses very poignantly the feelings of my soul and what I have learned through my experiences about how to get through them, relying on faith in our God and Savior, hope in their plan, and obedience to their commandments. Instead of taking me away from my family, music has been the means of tying me to the strength that I need to raise my family and endure life’s trials. That is the nature of service. My service just happens to be, in many cases, through music. It is something I need to do. Read my first entry in this blog, and you’ll see how I hated the label “shy,” but at the same time, loved that music could be a form of expression that kind of said, I’m not just “shy,” people. But at the same time, I hated being known for just being a pianist, something that happened more and more as I grew older, and not for who I really was, not for the valuable person I was inside, or what I had to share of me through music. So go figure why I am so focused on music and expressing myself now through it, why I have so many conflicts about it, because I have so many conflicts with my personality and with the setting in which I find myself confined to sharing my music in—because it really is so much a part of who I am still, and maybe in sharing how I overcome challenges and trials, and even limitations and weaknesses—in showing that we are not just one-faceted, even if we do have major talents that come to define us in a sense, but we are a whole. I think we need to see each other as we really are, strengths, weaknesses, experiences combined—and celebrate each other as individuals, and encourage and lead and strengthen each other as individuals. Sometimes I’ve felt that missing, and as much as I try to do that for others, because I have found that missing, I have tried and need to share so much through music still. This also comes to play when I talk about being a singer. Singing is pure heart-to-heart communication—at its best, it is, that is (and best doesn’t mean well-trained, it just means done with the heart). Because sometimes I’ve felt that my “heart” wasn’t good enough--because others didn’t see my heart as it was, or that’s how I came to myself through the lens of others, and have had a hard time shedding that view of myself—I’ve had a hard time with singing. But I am still a singer. But I am still a pianist—and that’s where the problem comes in. I am so at one with the piano—it is an extension of myself—it’s an extension of my musical mind that I know so completely how to shape and mold to express musically what I want (sometimes to really get to the absolute heart of what I want, it takes some experimenting with voicing and chords, but usually it just comes). I have a good voice—not an exceptional one, but a good voice. I don’t always feel I have a solo voice, especially when it comes to tone, vowel, and sameness of the voice in all ranges. I have a great, exceptional voice in isolated parts—but to put it together, I don’t know if it would ever be considered good enough. Now, if I was standing up, maybe I could. But the bigger problem is probably the fact that I have to sit down to sit as I play. Have you ever tried to really do solo singing sitting down, and then also try to keep your voice from wanting to follow your fingers? Add to that the fact that communicating through the piano and communicating through the voice are two entirely different modes of communication, and I just don’t know if communicating through those two modes can exist together effectively in me. It always feels like I have something (like the piano, and my hands) in the way of communicating. But see, that’s just me. Now I know very well that as a singer/pianist I will never be as powerful at communicating doing both together as I would be as an accompanist playing for a wonderful singer (much better than I am, even in the first place) to sing what I have composed and arranged. But the fact is, that these are my songs—and it feels so weird to have someone else do my music and not be able to talk about, naturally and effectively not awkwardly, why I have chosen to create the song the way I have, as well as the story behind the music and the Gospel truths that so intimately are tied to how I have performed and created the song. Now, if I had a singer that could work with that awkwardness, and somehow naturally be able to sing, but at the same time, work with me to present the message I want to convey also, both through song and through word. But I don’t know if that is possible. It is possible in a sense, yes. But to really do what I envision doing, I’m not sure if that would ever be possible. Not that I can’t do it, but I think it has to be done in conjunction with, or in addition to, what I have done by myself as a piano and singer together. Now, of course, much of what I do could be piano only. But the fact is, that I rely on the words so much, and I rely on the audience being aware of the words so much to fully feel I am communicating through the music. To do piano only loses the immediacy of what I want to communicate, so I always feel like something is missing. But to do piano/vocal together seems awkward, unless someone who really knows assures me it’s not—again, the mentor problem, finding someone who performs themselves, who understands music’s spiritual power, as well as its place in worship and service. Now for the last set of paradoxes. One is serving through music at the local level—we’ll call it the ward level—most who read this will know what that means—versus serving on a more churchwide, or even through the wonders of the Internet, the worldwide level. Actually, essentially, this is related to the service through music vs. serving in other, more life-changing, and therefore, more valuable ways. When I talk to people or express through writing my desire, my need, if you will (hopefully I explained that need above), to do what I want to more fully and regularly through music, which inevitably comes with some frustration, because not having that need fulfilled is frustrating, I invariably get, just pray, or just be patient—it will come. But the fact is, I have that need now, that desire, that impetus now. In our ward that I’ve lived in for 8+ years, I was choir accompanist for 6 of those because no one else wanted to take over (I intimidate too many people, though I try so hard not to—again, it’s a balancing act between two opposing forces). I should say, I was kind of a leader from the piano, working with the actual leader, because of course we work with those who are called—a good thing—but who don’t necessarily have a lot of directing or even musical experience. Sometimes I so wanted the experience of being able to lead through music, though—soooo much. After I was finally released (because they had someone new move in), they were also without a director. It seemed they had to just be prodded to consider me. Why couldn’t I be considered a leader in that way? In the same vein, having lived here so long and having so many opportunities to share what I do, I have never been asked to do any kind of special programs (well, early on, I did an empty nester’s program on classical music) that were spiritual in nature, even though I have tried to freely share arrangements and compositions, not in an attempt to make anyone look at me, but to just do what I need to do in the creative, spiritual sense, and hopefully in the process, others would know that I had a need to do it more—quite honestly, I could do anything anytime on the spur of the moment—people don’t get that, or at least don’t understand that there’s a desire in me to share so often and completely, and I don’t mind being asked spontaneously. However, obviously I haven’t been able to get others to ask me to do things, which makes me wonder why. And of course, I have to answer, that it’s because of my weaknesses—my personality, even my wanting to be humble, enough that I won’t ask if I can have opportunities, because I think the reason they don’t ask in the first place, when they ask others—they ask others all of the time, they celebrate others all of the time—is because of my weaknesses—again another need for a mentor as I described above to help me see things as they really are. So I was choir director, which was a great experience, I thought—but again, the intimidation factor came into play, as well as the fact that, in an effort to perform more what I do—needing to perform them, even to experiment them, to share them—I have created a lot of things I have done for choir. And having a ready choir, it was hard to resist that opportunity—and I found myself having opportunities to do it more and more. I just don’t think the accompanist understood that—and it came at a time when we did one of the great experiences of my life, performing selections from Savior of the World along with a very condensed script that I had some very spiritual experiences working on as I contemplated the life of Christ. So I finally was presented with the—the accompanist says it’s either you or her—and of course, what am I going to say to that? Of course, take me, cause I’m so good—I realized I needed to move on. So I don’t have opportunities because I’m not asked in the ward (nor the stake) and I can’t use choir as a medium. But it’s so hard, because music is such a large part of our regular worship, and such a part of our life as a church, that I find myself feeling conflicted because here I am trying to serve in other ways through music, but knowing that such a large part of me remains unfulfilled, because it is such a large part of what I am and want to do—not that I can’t do other things, but having this major need unfulfilled is quite honestly, painful. It can’t just be said that it will come, or serve in other ways—because I do serve in other ways, but again, having this unfulfilled way to share spiritually and creatively is just painful—sad, but not really, because the Lord gave me these talents, as well as these desires to serve and share. I can’t help that others could help me if they understood all that goes into this great need—but in the end, I don’t know if they could—or if they should—but the honest truth is, though, that those who are much more flamboyantly outgoing, powerful, lovable, or other (of course I didn’t mention above that I do not feel beautiful at all, especially when I sing, adding to the awkwardness I feel when I do sing—I’ve overcome that to some extent, but I still have to wonder if the appearance part detracts even more from my singing). Anyway, those kind of people really do have that help already, and that is probably why they have been able to do so much—it is just true, because I have seen it (or they have family members who are techie, or a rich uncle that gives them money to record a CD). I always wonder what would happen if I had more “credibility,” if I had recorded a CD already, or had had things published already. Would that change anything? It seems those who are asked are those who have the personalities and dominance to just command opportunities, which usually means they have some source of “credibility” that makes people want to listen to them. But I have not had a budget to do a CD, making me wonder why the Lord gave me these desires to serve, these talents, but has made it so all of the service I give has to be at the local level, where what I do is not asked for—nor even understood when I finally just have to take the opportunity—because the Spirit drives me to do it. I just don’t know why He drives me to do it, though, knowing that afterwards I will be left with such an unfulfilled yearning, because I don’t have regular opportunities to do this—and shouldn’t because doing that shouldn’t be part of the ward, right?. I think I hit above the paradox of serving through music as a pianist, vs. as a pianist/singer, vs. serving through music as an accompanist/arranger/composer, So this last part touches on two things. Serving through music by myself or in conjunction with others. vs. as a director/accompanist, vs. as a director/orchestrator. I have tried to involve more and more people in an effort to compensate for my own weaknesses, and to provide more opportunities to participate. The truth is I love directing choirs. I don’t even mind necessarily being at the piano doing that, as I do when I’m just accompanying one person. I don’t mind doing others music if I’m able to without self-conscious thought include mine as naturally as I can. And not knowing if the reasons I am not asked about fulfilling or providing those opportunities is because my music isn’t good enough, or if it’s me that’s not good enough—but in the end, I’m not sure there’s much of a difference. I have to mention that that whole question comes up with how I feel the Lord feels about what I do—after all, He’s the one who is over everything we do, and He could inspire others in my path to give the assistance and support I need to do what He wants, if it was His will—and I sometimes have such a hard time knowing why He would give me these great talents, and great desires, in conjunction with weaknesses that make it impossible to do what He wants me to do, either because He wants to “punish” me for my weaknesses, or because He wants to leave me unfulfilled and trusting only that someday that will be fulfilled—though I know that’s not true—He loves me, He cares, and wants to help, and will fulfill His promises—but it has been a very big fight against those feelings, especially since I have nothing to counter them with, other than being grateful for the isolated opportunities I have had, which I really am grateful for—but I need so much more—my soul needs so much. And sorry, I would never be happy just singing in a choir, doing others’ music, not having regular opportunities to play, direct, and sing my own as part of being in that choir—with that provision, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad, but I would never be to that stature, right?). So I’d love to direct a choir in doing my music, as well as others, on a regular basis, but know that will never be, because I’m not that kind of person, and my music is not that kind of music, that would inspire others to want to join and be a part of what we do, even if we are trying to serve through music. So I’d love to share more, but without “credibility” to counter what my weaknesses are I don’t have those opportunities (and yes, I could always go play at a rest home—and do—but this is in addition, because it’s just not quite the outlet my soul needs, regardless of the service that it is). I need an outlet, not just a way to serve. But at the same time, I need a way to serve, not just an outlet. And so I turn to the Internet, to Youtube, where I can at least post my songs for the entire world to see, talking first about the spiritual context and messages—in a way that I can direct. Of course, people need to share it for it to come up in searches. I guess I have to hope that happens. Because that is my last ready opportunity for sharing, for serving, for creating, for bearing testimony through music, as fully as my soul longs to, and hopefully the Spirit is directing, at least in the background. Here goes something! And here it is 10:30 AM—7 ½ hours after starting this, with a 3-hour break to go sleep with my 4-year-old who woke up & was trying to sleep at my feet (and finding myself getting tired myself). Here I go to be a Mother and Husband. And then to be someone who hopefully can be a servant through being a Musician. I love all of these, in their proper part in my life. They all have a place. They all have to have a place—even music. I hope there’s a place for it, regular and fulfilling—and uplifting and strengthening to others. I want to serve. I want to share. I want to be who He wants me to be. Sorry--I'm not editing all of that. I got to get on with the day. But it's expressed, written, and done. Thanks!

Links to my arrangements. Again, this is a one-take shot at this, with me recording piano & voice simultaneously (you can hear the lovely clicking of my fingernails). Some are better than others. Just understand that I am first a pianist and composer, and then a singer--and not only secondly a singer, but a singer who has to sing sitting down at the piano, while trying to keep my voice from wanting to follow my fingers in some very intense and complex music. No matter what, feel the Spirit they bring. These are very personal arrangements and compositions, borne of some very poignant experiences and feelings for my Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, and their restored Gospel. I so try using the talents I've been given to create, using key structure, chords, and voicing, music that will as closely and fully as possible tell the story the words tell or share the feelings they elicit. I try to not only reflect the words, but create an integral complement to them. I hope I have done my best in being a steward for these compositions, and arrangements, and gifts, and hope I can do more to share them fully with as many as I can. Click on the links to the right for August 2012's recording effort. --I Stand All Amazed, arrangement, words and music from the LDS hymnbook. --I Stand All Amazed, piano only --Savior, Redeemer of My Soul--words by Elder Orson F. Whitney an early-20th-century LDS Apostle--music by me --Good Shepherd, My Savior, Lamb of God--a song I wrote earlier this year, in harmony with The Lord Is My Shepherd --O My Father, arrangement, words and music in the LDS hymnbook --I Trust in Him, a song I wrote a couple of months ago --Lord, Take My Hand--an English translation of the German lyrics were included in the life history of a wonderful German woman down the street who heard them as she fled on a train before the Russian army at the end of WWII. I wrote the music earlier this year, a couple of months before she passed away at the age of 91. --Where Can I Turn for Peace, arrangement, words and music in the LDS hymnbook --A Poor Wayfaring Man of Grief, arrangement, words and music in the LDS hymnbook --Be Still, My Soul--arrangement, words and music in the LDS hymnbook --Joseph Smith's First Prayer--arrangement, words and music in the LDS hymnbook Ones I still need to record, again--Come, Come, Ye Saints, How Great Thou Art, The Mercy of Our God (a new song), Where Shepherds Lately Knelt (another new song), I Will Be Your Light (new song), Lead, Kindly Light, and I Know That My Redeemer Lives and The Light of the world (a medley), which both require two voices. And a couple of the above are in desperate need of a re-recording--or even better, a better singer--any sopranos out there, who have a recording studio at their disposal so we don't have to pay for recording?!? All I can say is if my effort is a labor of love, I would love to find a recording studio willing to do this as a labor of love also.

So I finally gave in to the bug this afternoon and listened to the recording I made a month ago that I've tried to stay away from since. It has its good spots, but also its very uneven and uncomfortable spots--and then not-great-at-all spots. There were several emotions I felt--first and foremost the gratitude I have for these opportunities and gifts, secondly, humility and a little bit of being overwhelmed as I just wondered why in the world was I given the stewardship over these gifts and these compositions and arrangements. And then a bit of sadness and frustration with myself, that I have been given this stewardship and haven't done what I should have with it, I feel--if it was someone else, they would have done so much more--and then a little bit of frustration, wondering why I have been put in this situation where I am so weak, and therefore have so little opportunity to really feel I am being the best steward I can. I wondered what I reall y am--or what am I trying to share with people--or what is the only thing I can share with others now in trying to fulfill that stewardship. Am I an arranger and composer, a pianist, an accompanist, or a singer. Unfortunately, right now, I am forced to be all of those, when all I really want to do is is to be a wise and valiant steward, whatever that may be. Not another music post, you may say, but believe me, this is the major question of my life, and has been for a very long time,, especially as the other major desire of my life, to be a wife and a mother, was fulfilled and I am fully in the middle of it (and loving it, I might add). I posted to my music blog tonight, but I've got to share this also. Here's one of my arrangements, sung by me, in my very uneven voice (made worse by the fact that I have to sing and play right now--have you ever tried to sing & play something very complex & intense at the same time, sitting down? And having to do this in one take? Yeah, not easy). I am working on getting these attached to video files so I can stick them on Youtube, for better or worse (and then let the hate mail begin!). And getting them ready to send, along with the spots of music I have written (I've only got 3 or 4 out of about 18 that are truly ready for someone to peruse in a publishing or performing sense--oh, it's a major work--but I feel I need everything all done and included to truly be representative, and not rejected). I want to post more, just cause. Just understand--I know the voice is not great most of the time--if only I had the luxury of being only the pianist and arranger or composer for these. But maybe I am supposed to sing, as difficult it is to do just as successfully. I just don't know. Only time will tell.

It's September. I had an interesting, between believing for a couple of months that we were moving, having to figure out what to do with a couple of older kids that have interesting situations they're in, and trying to move on from some mistakes of the past. This has been a momentous year. It must have been, as I have written 5 new songs, 4 of them with lyrics written by me relating to situations I've been in this year. I write music when I have something big happen in my life, things where the resulting feelings are only fully expressed through music. I've written Take My Hand (that's a song I wrote with words I came across in a journal of a wonderful older German lady down the street that she heard when she was escaping before the invading Russians at the end of World War II on a train), Good Shepherd, My Savior, Lamb of God, I Trust in Him, The Mercy of our God, and one I just started yesterday (actually with lyrics I started a couple of years ago upon seeing a picture of my great-great-grandmother that I just found the other day). I really want to finally get my music written. But that's harder when I keep writing more music to write! I write orchestrally, polyphonically--my piano parts tend to be pretty complex, and it is so tedious to write them. But I've got to do them. As much as anything, I need to write them so I can finally have something tangible, in one place, that I can share, and look at, and say--that is it. And it becomes very solidified when it gets written, as long as it takes. I am just ready to do more with it, to send it out to people who really matter. I've been able to record most of my stuff, but only had the means to do one take with me playing & singing (ever tried to sing well when you're sitting down, at a piano, and using a totally different part of your brain to play complex parts--my voice tends to want to follow my fingers--hard to separate those in your brain, believe me!). I don't have the means to do the pieces with other people, taking the time to make sure they get it right. So that means these pieces are recorded with my very shaky voice, that is good in some spots, and definitely not good in others. But at this point, I can't worry about that. I have done what I can, and now I have to let go and say it's for someone else to help me figure out the next step. I want to finish writing my stuff, but at this rate, it's going to be a long time before I get there, and I can just share what I have, in the state it's in. I want to do YouTube stuff, with playing piano, playing & singing, with pictures and videos, but finding the time to do that, along with recording, writing, and taking care of my most important stewardship, my family and my church, may just have to wait. Of course I'd love to make a CD, but sometimes the question of am I a pianist, a composer, a singer, or an accompanist get in the way--I don't know what focus to take there, and I probably won't know for a while. I'll do what I can, when the opportunity strikes, but I always wish it could feel like a breakthrough. I listened to this recording I made tonight for the first time pretty much since I'd recorded it. At first I thought it wasn't as bad as I thought and it is sharable--and there really are a couple of pieces that I can share with pride--but the rest is unevenly sung at best. But I've got to do what I can nonetheless. Maybe I'll make some copies to give out, with the big disclaimer that the singing is very uneven, but it is the best I can do, under the circumstances, and that I hope the the feeling, the message, and most importantly the Spirit can come through in some way. As I listened tonight, I was grateful of course for my talents and the beautiful music I have been able to bring forth from Him, and humbled by that--but I was also very--overwhelmed maybe, with a little bit of sadness, or incredulousness that He has chosen me to have these talents and to give these compositions and arrangements to, as incredibly weak and uncertain as I am. But I felt the stewardship tonight so much. I know these are sacred things I have been given, and I feel the stewardship to bring them forth so that others can enjoy them. I don't want to feel those talents, these arrangements and compositions are hiding anymore, that I've buried them. Of course I haven't--I've done what I can with them, but I feel they are of such value that I should be doing more--that I feel guilty that I'm not doing more, when someone else with so many more gifts, like a charismatic personality, or a incredibly beautiful voice, could have done so much more good with them by now. I sometimes feel so bad because I feel I have let Him down. But then I think, I really done all that I can. And then comes the little bit of frustration that He hasn't helped me to do more, because I know of course that He could if it was His will. I want to share them. I want to do what He wants with them, what they are worthy of, because they come from Him. I hope and pray that I am--and can continue to be--and even become more--wise with how I take care of the stewardship He's entrusted me with in these gifts, in these arrangements and compositions. There is such a spirit inside of me that wants to share, not just to be known, but to truly share & know that these gifts are being used to their fullest, because I have been able to employ them to their fullest. I don't know if I still have to figure out how to employ them to their fullest, or if He is preparing the way for me to do so, if I will have the faith to share them freely, even with those music publishers, or producers or conductors that can help me share them more widely and fully if they feel so inspired to. I hope I can take that step--I hope it will be the right step. Pray for me. I need that so much in doing this.

So I've got a half hour until I have to get my kids from preschool, and what do I do, with a house that needs dusting & clothes that need washing and folding? I sit down and write about music. I just did a fireside Sunday. Of course last year we did Savior of the World, which was an incredible experience--it was a learning experience, and it felt so good to be able to lead something like that, be involved in steering the vision, and have it come off so well. During that process, I really wasn't thinking a lot about doing my own music, since I was so involved in getting done what we needed to do with what was already there that someone had written, performed, recorded, and that others had been involved in. But the day after we SOTW, I felt a profound sense of yearning, for suddenly I let myself be cognizant of the fact that that was exactly what I wanted to do with music. I wanted to write it, to put it together with narration, add some art that just heightens the message, and orchestrate it, all so others could participate also and we could share the message with many. Well, all year I'd thought we'd just do Savior again, possibly with wider participation from other wards or the stake--after all, with a scaled-down version of it, it doesn't take a ton to put together. Then in January I finally decided to move forward on it, talking to others who had been involved, and didn't feel the "we absolutely need to do this" feeling, in myself and from others. Two days after initially really starting to go forward, I just felt, no, Savior needed to wait, and then out of the blue, I knew I needed to do an Easter fireside (what I called it then) about the Savior, with narration and slides. I don't get strong inspiration like that very often with my own music, so when it comes, I really take note, but it was a very, very strong feeling that this was what I needed to do. But there was still some sentiment about SOTW, especially how it can involve so many, so I thought maybe we could do both. Well, it was a few weeks later, after trying to convince myself that I could do both, then realizing I couldn't, letting others know, and then wondering how I was going to get others to participate in something that was completely in my head, that I decided to go forward. It wasn't an easy process at first. There were a couple of times I just thought, no, I'll do it all myself, with no choir help, because it's just easier to not have to ask others to be involved and feel like I'm taking their time for something that is mine, that I want to do--but because I'd kind of asked to do this as a ward thing, I felt I needed to involve others, not just in narrating, but musically as well. A couple of times I just thought about cancelling, or just doing it privately, but David didn't want me to seem fickle (a good thing), and when I said that was what I'd do, for a whole day I'd feel so agitated, that I finally just said, all right, I'll do it. The only problem was we had our spring break trip to Arizona in there, then general conference, then Easter, and others' spring breaks in there as well, making me feel like I just couldn't practice. It was scary thinking that really there might only be 2 weeks left to practice, and wondering how I was going to ask so much of so many, but I had to go forward. Not until 2 weeks before did I feel comfortable practicing, mainly because, not being choir director, I felt I couldn't ask more time from people, and didn't want to intrude on choir's time and the director's need to practice. I was having a hard time knowing if I was going to have enough people participate in key areas, and spent a lot of day being stressed over not knowing if I was going to have who I needed. Add to that the fact that I got a major bronchial infection the end of March while in Arizona that I still haven't quite gotten over--my voice is still pretty weak--and then got another head cold the week before, as well as my husband and sister getting sick also. But 2 weeks before, we started to practice with a few people. Actually 2 weeks before, I still wasn't sure who was going to do several songs, as I was showering, I had the thought that the men, who are really incredible in our ward, could sing the opening, "Savior, Redeemer." I went home and changed the music to men's voices from women's--it took a couple of practices to really get it finalized--but that afternoon they sang it for the first time, and I knew I had the right combination, especially a 9 days later when we finally had everyone, including a high tenor, that just blended so well. Then that Wednesday I had to sing a musical number for Relief Society at the Life Care Center, a nursing home near us, and decided to sing my version of "How Great Thou Art." Doing that with my weak voice I realized I definitely did need to involve others, and just started the next day to come up with some duets for the 1st 3 verses, the a full choir version for the 4th. And there, it just came. During this entire process, I had an idea for a song--I've always loved the idea of Christ being our shepherd, but also being our Lamb, the Lamb of God, both leading & caring for us, then bearing for & saving us. As such, I came up with a new song, My Shepherd, My Savior, Lamb of God, then a few weeks later, as I was trying to solidify the melody, realized that a particular melody went perfectly with the Lord Is My Shepherd, which I eventually did as a men's descant on the 4th verse. Then I had a decision to make--I had an arrangement of Lead, Kindly Light, and one of my songs, I Will Be Your Light, and had to choose between one of them. I had put 1 verse of I Will Be Your Light together with The Lord Is My Light in the past. So one day, I thought, you know, I can put all of these together, and Light of the World was born, combining all three songs, parts of all 3 verses and choruses of each. I didn't know who I was going to get to sing it, but starting 2 weeks earlier, I started practicing with a group of women in our choir who supported this so well--in fact, a few weeks earlier, I had introduced it to one of them, and every time I wanted to give up on a big group doing it, she said, no, I love this and I've practiced this, so we are doing it--I'm grateful for people who support me & steer me in the right direction, even when I want to give up. That was neat to see how much time they sacrificed to make that successful--and it was successful. It was so neat (and thanks heavens for my sister, Amy, who I can ask to do anything & she can & will do it, exceptionally!!!). I knew I had to do I Know That My Redeemer Lives, which combines the 2nd & 3rd verse, but also wanted to do Jesus, Once of Humble Birth, to tie it all together. As I was thinking about how to do it, I realized that I Stand All Amazed & the Lord Is My Shepherd go so well with the melody, that the last verse ended up as a combination of all 3 in a glorious finish (and I didn't even have to feel I was stealing it from SOTW, it was so different--it ends that gloriously as well). More later--I've got to get my kids.

Life's Music Lesson

Life evolves fast--or maybe not so fast, judging by my sporadic posts and the way they don't seem to change much. I'm not here to comment on my past posts that seem to be so fickle and immature, though. I just wish I had had the perspectives and insights I do now from lots of events of the last year-and-a-half--actually I could go back lots farther than that--so I wouldn't have gotten into the messes I have, where I do my best to take care of things in the instance, but end up messing up financial affairs, musical endeavors, and relationships with others in the process, because I don't have the benefit of experience and insights that come with future events. Why can't we do the reverse? Learn the lessons, gain the insights and perspective, and then apply them to earlier situations before we mess them up, or at least muck up the waters so badly that it's hard to get back to where we should be. Wish we could start over, knowing what we know now. Life isn't like that for a reason, I know, and we have our Savior, Jesus Christ, to make it truly possible to overcome the past, make things right in His way, and go on to a bright future--but in the moment, it can be hard. Wouldn't it be nice to be able to ask for forgiveness, but in the process talk about how hard the situation was in the first place to be in. I hope all those I have hurt, disappointed, let down, and asked too much of or not enough of can forgive me--but I hope they can understand that sometimes there are things they don't know, and sometimes they don't understand, based on different experiences, background, abilities, and opportunities, why sometimes I felt I had my hands tied, or felt I had to take the opportunities I had. Callings in the church can be hard enough to negotiate, but for music, it's a particularly tricky field to maneuver through. I'm grateful for so many opportunities, but sometimes they are hard to approach in the right way, and hard for others to understand, when it's someone's profession, years of education, sacrifice, and training, and their desires to share on a wider basis than just in the local area that comingle in a calling, many times not so peacefully. I don't know that many professional musicians well. I don't get to talk to them and get their input on dealing with these conflicts that I face so much. I don't run in those circles anymore. I'm a wife and a mom, but I still have the same talents, the same inspiration, the same desires to share, that I did before. In fact, since being married, so many things have come to me, solidified, and become crystallized. But now, because I do have such wonderful priorities of being a wife and a mother, when my compositions and arrangements seem to be most in flower, I am very limited in my opportunities to use them, and unfortunately, have to find myself taking opportunities within the ward, within callings, to fully express them. That doesn't work very well in a lay church. I've messed a lot things up in the process of doing so, in the midst of a ward where you live and experience your life events, bad and good, trying to push forward musical endeavors you are trying to make happen because that's where your sanity is and sometimes some of your greatest joys and the greatest feeling of closeness to the Lord come--where I can fully express to Him, in a way not possible any other way, the feelings of my heart, my testimony, my love. Just wish I didn't have to hurt others in the process of doing so. Life causes its own learning--it doesn't come with instructions. I'm sure it won't be the last time of hurting others through serving--we're imperfect, after all. I wish I could go to a new environment and start over, but I just don't think that's in the cards, and it's just running away from the learning. So I push through, hoping not to mess things up anymore--being OK with removing myself from situations where that might very well occur. And maybe that's the solution--being OK with my talents and their place enough that I can say they can't coexist peacefully with other service opportunities. Music is unlike anything else where lay people and professionals have to serve side by side. It's its own animal. Grateful for that animal. Just wish it didn't bite so much.