So I finally gave in to the bug this afternoon and listened to the recording I made a month ago that I've tried to stay away from since. It has its good spots, but also its very uneven and uncomfortable spots--and then not-great-at-all spots. There were several emotions I felt--first and foremost the gratitude I have for these opportunities and gifts, secondly, humility and a little bit of being overwhelmed as I just wondered why in the world was I given the stewardship over these gifts and these compositions and arrangements. And then a bit of sadness and frustration with myself, that I have been given this stewardship and haven't done what I should have with it, I feel--if it was someone else, they would have done so much more--and then a little bit of frustration, wondering why I have been put in this situation where I am so weak, and therefore have so little opportunity to really feel I am being the best steward I can. I wondered what I reall y am--or what am I trying to share with people--or what is the only thing I can share with others now in trying to fulfill that stewardship. Am I an arranger and composer, a pianist, an accompanist, or a singer. Unfortunately, right now, I am forced to be all of those, when all I really want to do is is to be a wise and valiant steward, whatever that may be. Not another music post, you may say, but believe me, this is the major question of my life, and has been for a very long time,, especially as the other major desire of my life, to be a wife and a mother, was fulfilled and I am fully in the middle of it (and loving it, I might add). I posted to my music blog tonight, but I've got to share this also. Here's one of my arrangements, sung by me, in my very uneven voice (made worse by the fact that I have to sing and play right now--have you ever tried to sing & play something very complex & intense at the same time, sitting down? And having to do this in one take? Yeah, not easy). I am working on getting these attached to video files so I can stick them on Youtube, for better or worse (and then let the hate mail begin!). And getting them ready to send, along with the spots of music I have written (I've only got 3 or 4 out of about 18 that are truly ready for someone to peruse in a publishing or performing sense--oh, it's a major work--but I feel I need everything all done and included to truly be representative, and not rejected). I want to post more, just cause. Just understand--I know the voice is not great most of the time--if only I had the luxury of being only the pianist and arranger or composer for these. But maybe I am supposed to sing, as difficult it is to do just as successfully. I just don't know. Only time will tell.