It's September. I had an interesting, between believing for a couple of months that we were moving, having to figure out what to do with a couple of older kids that have interesting situations they're in, and trying to move on from some mistakes of the past. This has been a momentous year. It must have been, as I have written 5 new songs, 4 of them with lyrics written by me relating to situations I've been in this year. I write music when I have something big happen in my life, things where the resulting feelings are only fully expressed through music. I've written Take My Hand (that's a song I wrote with words I came across in a journal of a wonderful older German lady down the street that she heard when she was escaping before the invading Russians at the end of World War II on a train), Good Shepherd, My Savior, Lamb of God, I Trust in Him, The Mercy of our God, and one I just started yesterday (actually with lyrics I started a couple of years ago upon seeing a picture of my great-great-grandmother that I just found the other day). I really want to finally get my music written. But that's harder when I keep writing more music to write! I write orchestrally, polyphonically--my piano parts tend to be pretty complex, and it is so tedious to write them. But I've got to do them. As much as anything, I need to write them so I can finally have something tangible, in one place, that I can share, and look at, and say--that is it. And it becomes very solidified when it gets written, as long as it takes. I am just ready to do more with it, to send it out to people who really matter. I've been able to record most of my stuff, but only had the means to do one take with me playing & singing (ever tried to sing well when you're sitting down, at a piano, and using a totally different part of your brain to play complex parts--my voice tends to want to follow my fingers--hard to separate those in your brain, believe me!). I don't have the means to do the pieces with other people, taking the time to make sure they get it right. So that means these pieces are recorded with my very shaky voice, that is good in some spots, and definitely not good in others. But at this point, I can't worry about that. I have done what I can, and now I have to let go and say it's for someone else to help me figure out the next step. I want to finish writing my stuff, but at this rate, it's going to be a long time before I get there, and I can just share what I have, in the state it's in. I want to do YouTube stuff, with playing piano, playing & singing, with pictures and videos, but finding the time to do that, along with recording, writing, and taking care of my most important stewardship, my family and my church, may just have to wait. Of course I'd love to make a CD, but sometimes the question of am I a pianist, a composer, a singer, or an accompanist get in the way--I don't know what focus to take there, and I probably won't know for a while. I'll do what I can, when the opportunity strikes, but I always wish it could feel like a breakthrough. I listened to this recording I made tonight for the first time pretty much since I'd recorded it. At first I thought it wasn't as bad as I thought and it is sharable--and there really are a couple of pieces that I can share with pride--but the rest is unevenly sung at best. But I've got to do what I can nonetheless. Maybe I'll make some copies to give out, with the big disclaimer that the singing is very uneven, but it is the best I can do, under the circumstances, and that I hope the the feeling, the message, and most importantly the Spirit can come through in some way. As I listened tonight, I was grateful of course for my talents and the beautiful music I have been able to bring forth from Him, and humbled by that--but I was also very--overwhelmed maybe, with a little bit of sadness, or incredulousness that He has chosen me to have these talents and to give these compositions and arrangements to, as incredibly weak and uncertain as I am. But I felt the stewardship tonight so much. I know these are sacred things I have been given, and I feel the stewardship to bring them forth so that others can enjoy them. I don't want to feel those talents, these arrangements and compositions are hiding anymore, that I've buried them. Of course I haven't--I've done what I can with them, but I feel they are of such value that I should be doing more--that I feel guilty that I'm not doing more, when someone else with so many more gifts, like a charismatic personality, or a incredibly beautiful voice, could have done so much more good with them by now. I sometimes feel so bad because I feel I have let Him down. But then I think, I really done all that I can. And then comes the little bit of frustration that He hasn't helped me to do more, because I know of course that He could if it was His will. I want to share them. I want to do what He wants with them, what they are worthy of, because they come from Him. I hope and pray that I am--and can continue to be--and even become more--wise with how I take care of the stewardship He's entrusted me with in these gifts, in these arrangements and compositions. There is such a spirit inside of me that wants to share, not just to be known, but to truly share & know that these gifts are being used to their fullest, because I have been able to employ them to their fullest. I don't know if I still have to figure out how to employ them to their fullest, or if He is preparing the way for me to do so, if I will have the faith to share them freely, even with those music publishers, or producers or conductors that can help me share them more widely and fully if they feel so inspired to. I hope I can take that step--I hope it will be the right step. Pray for me. I need that so much in doing this.