Fulfillment of Dreams by Changing Those Dreams

I apologize in advance for no paragraphs--still don't know why they don't show up when I publish. It's been a year since I posted in this blog. No, it really doesn't matter a whole lot, since I really don't have too many that would ever read this anyway. But I feel, at least for me, I need to share the growth and changes that have occurred since last fall when I posted, the things that have been resolved, and the things that are in the process of being done because of that. Resolution and fulfilling look much different than I would have anticipated, but I'm so grateful for the journey that I've been on, because it is His journey for my growth, not my journey, and that I have come to be able to accept, trust in, and even love and welcome with all my heart. True contentment is when His will is not just submitted to, but is what He want and love, because it has become our will, or that we trust enough to let it be our will without asking why. The higher step of course is being so in tune and purified in Him that His will is what we want--that our desires and actions in fulfilling those, as well as our inspiration that come directly from Him, naturally are His will. I can truly say I'm getting there, and that is a big accomplishment for me--something that sometimes you think you're doing, but when you really look at what your desires are, break them down--and when you haven't taken the risks to find out how much those desires are in line with His will, if at all, which I think is possibly one of the most valuable steps, because it is done with His trust in His will, with trust in those that He has placed around us, and is done with trust in the Atonement, that He can correct those desires that aren't in line with His will, and He can make up for whatever things have happened when those desires are shared with others and turn out not to be His will. My last post in November last post was in the middle of the beginning of the end (if that makes any sense) of a very stormy period personally for me--personally because most of it was within me--and the start of a wonderful season of understanding, submissiveness, healing, and effort to go forward serving and living with a renewed sense of who I was, and how I related to others--and most especially, who He was and how He related to me and could help me, even with some very significant, life-long struggles with thoughts, thought-patterns, and feelings. Overarching this journey has always been music, because it just embodies all the colliding and sometimes contradictory elements of my life, such as having some great talents but not the personality to share those as powerfully as I thought I should be able to (& feeling a lot of guilt and frustration over that), being frustrated that the opportunities that would make sharing the music I have composed much easier, and much more powerful in His service were not coming very easily, and the service in music I could give outside of composing and arranging that sometimes felt awkward, inconsistent, and sometimes non-existent, in the things outside of playing piano (you're always needed as an accompanist). Of course all this healing and enlightenment led to having more music come (not all of it great yet--but some of it is!), thus compounding the problem of all this music that weighs me done because it's not "preserved," but it's all been good, as I will share. I'm so happy to say that I've come a long way--no, I've come all the way--and it's not me that's come, but it's been through Jesus Christ, and following Him, and sometimes doing things that have been hard that He's helped me to do--and then see what they really meant after I did them--that I have come here. Got a long way to go, I do, but I look back and see how far I've come, and I know that I can get where I need to be, complete, healed, and whole. I have an incredibly understanding and patient husband whose sat with me and listened as I complained, then expounded, then shared my enlightened views. He's put up with a lot. I'm grateful for friends, many of whom unwittingly have played a role in this. The Lord teaches us and helps us through each other, if we are willing to help Him direct us in that. And I'm grateful for Him, who has never given up on me, and saw where I could be through true faith in Him, turning to Him for complete healing and strength. It's funny that turning to Him also leads us to then seeing others in our lives where they're supposed to be, in an ironic sort of way. We are to content with what we are alotted, and that can be with others in our lives as well. It's still not easy, fitting music into my life the right way, especially in the course of being a wife, mother, member of Christ's church, friend, and sister. But these are the things that I have learned that I want to share here--in order from those I've most recently learned to those that I started learning a year ago. I'll share those, and then I'll tell you where I am at in music currently. 1) I have never applied Alma 29 from the Book of Mormon to my life, until after I had a "conversation" with some a couple of weeks ago, expressing some frustration that I would love to be doing other things right now with music (not really understanding still why I'm not the kind of person who would be seen as doing those things, wondering if it was my weaknesses keeping me from being able to do those things). Well, all of the sudden I started putting myself into Alma 29--"O that I were an angel, and could have the wish of my heart, to cry repentance to every people....but behold, I do sin in my wish, and I ought to be content with what the Lord has alotted unto me). I've always wondered if I was failing the Lord if I wasn't sharing the music he has given me--that which I have composed & arranged, which no one else could share, because it's what He's given specifically me. I've wondered if He might have even condemned me for not figuring it out, so what He has given me could be used in the way He needed it to be. But suddenly my mind caught hold of & accepted (it's not like this was a new concept, I just finally truly accepted it) that this really Has been His will, that I'm in the situation I am in life, not having recorded anything that I feel I can share and that can be powerful yet, not feeling like I have the resources (including people like video editors and the like--even good hairdressers would be a help, because there's nothing like a performer who feels awkward about how she looks!) to be as powerful an instrument in His hands in sharing what only I could share, that came from Him--and that could only be shared through me, either as a pianist, singer, accompanist, conductor of the music He's given me that I've composed and arranged. But, you know, I have always tried to be humble (even as I was purified in that desire to be an instrument--and it's taken a lot of purification), and seek His will--and when you're humble and try to do what is right in His eyes, it's always His will. What has happened is His will. He has made accommodations for my weaknesses. He can share His word through others, and He may share it more widely through mine someday. It doesn't mean what I do isn't any lesser in value--it is my best effort, and it is what He would do if He were me. He will use my strengths, when He needs them, and He will use others' strengths, when He needs theirs--and using their strengths (even when I haven't been able to figure out why I wasn't seen by others and asked in the same way that others were) does not diminish how He feels about me and what I do. We all contribute meaningfully. For me, it probably hits home more, ironically, because I am a performer. I can't tell you how many times I've heard about my talents being this or that, kind of like, because she's a performer, well, she's got it made in the talent department (try lessons on talents in LDS Relief Society). Well, it doesn't make it for anyone--and sometimes the problems are even more complex, and they're more isolated because they're aren't a lot of people who can relate, and so it really takes a lot of risk-taking to share with others who may be far-removed from the situation and ask for their advice. But we all have talents, strengths, and weaknesses that are used by the Lord--and sometimes not used by Him--in the same way. I'm so grateful for that, because it's opened up a lot of understanding and healing for me. I'm content with what I'm alotted. 2) But that doesn't mean I should not be anxiously engaged in bringing to pass much righteousness, even through talents--and maybe more, doing what He would do if He was me with those talents. This has been a hard one, because I have an ache to share, and I've said so much, that if I was not going to be able to share the music I have composed & arranged now--music that is on my mind ALWAYS!, partly because that's the nature of my talent, partly and partly because it hasn't been "preserved" and recorded to its fullest, or at least to something usable and sharable, and made worse because there's so much that is not preserved and that weighs my mind down, like 25 to 30 different arrangements and compositions, in their various forms--that I would sometimes rather just be able to forget the music until that time comes. Of course I don't want to do that--and I don't want to lose the ability to make music (said after nearly cutting the top of my thumb off twice the last few weeks and really having a problem with coughing the last 2 months)--but it really is some thing that just aches inside of me. I'd gotten to the point two times in the last few weeks that I said, OK--it must be the Lord's will that I not record now (I'd already realized that there were a lot of other things I wasn't going to do already, like direct a choir), so I just went about doing other things. Then something would happen, and I'd realize, that, yes, this is something that is alotted to me right now. First, it is an outlet--and I need that outlet, recording (writing isn't necessarily--got to feel a purpose in it--but I could record always--just wish I knew that recording would turn out well in the end, and I wouldn't hit the glitches I usually hit because I still lack a lot in the technical department, though I do what I can), and this music is something I need to "preserve" for the Lord (said as my husband and I finished bottling 45 quarts of grape juice last night, and I thought, you know, if we put as much focus, time, energy, and effort into preserving this music, we could have it recorded, at least for my benefit to use in my personal service to others, here at home--then we'll see if He needs it in the wider online world--in no time--and I asked myself, "Is this something that needs to be preserved?" and felt, "Yes, this is something that should be preserved, for those very reasons." I could go through the process I went through, where I'd realized that I didn't want to do just a one-time fireside this year--I wanted something that could last for people and continue doing good--a recording. And as I went forward to record with others, realizing soon that we couldn't bear the burdens of this anymore ourselves (recording alone with others, even though I don't know if I really have anything still to share that's any good, because I haven't been able to finish the process, because of costs to finish, and have thus started with many, have lots of recordings but nothing great--has been at least $1000 over the last 4 years)--that doesn't count what I've spent here at home. So I thought of ways that I could help others to share the burdens with us, in a spirit of consecration (instead of personally finding the money to put into it up front, impossible for us anyway now, and then asking for help in recouping that by selling what we ended up with). And went forward with a couple of Kickstarter projects that didn't go anywhere (would have had $500 between the two projects, but people didn't realize that since the 1st didn't go through, they'd have to donate again to the second to make it count--so we didn't make it on that one either). So I've had to decide if I'm really up to recording with the equipment I have here--which, in some cases is no, but in some is yes. Yes, I can get something OK-sounding, but it sure takes a lot of time & effort, not to mention memory, because it seems each time I turn on the computer, I either have to remember how I overcame a certain problem last time--or a new one creeps up. And it takes a lot of perseverance, because unlike going to record somewhere else, where you set aside a chunk of time, here, I steal little moments of time (and that's what it feels like--stealing, because it's my kids and family I take it from, with them still under my noses--at least when I record with someone else, I don't have to have them feeling like I'm ignoring them when I choose to do something else with them here). It's something that takes a lot of focus, a lot of different moments of time, and may not be something I ever get done. But hopefully, it can still be an outlet. And I hope I get it done. Because I need something to share with others. Which brings me to my second point about recording. This is something needed by Him--I can serve in the way He would do if He were me, because I, like all of us, have unique talents, and He will use those talents in different ways, even different from what He did on this earth, that are still just as needed, valuable, and His will. And that I don't need to create what feels like an artificial opportunity for others to come together to sing for others, to share music together, if I have something to take to others, that can be something that will keep on giving. And if I have that something to give others, maybe others will be inclined to join in naturally. Of course, it's always something I wanted to have--a recording to share with others personally, much in the same way we take a loaf of bread or flowers to others to tell them we're thinking of them. And I've decided that serving in that way really is just as valuable for others, even if it's not necessarily seen in that way--it may seem like decoration, but sacred music is the core of our worship, our strength, and even can be a great strength to our testimonies. And the Lord may not have need for it in the world at large, but I think He wants me to use my agency to do good in my little circle, wherever that circle may be. And then He'll lead from there. I'm grateful to serve as the Lord has alotted to me, as He would do if He were me (because we're all unique, and He would have us do differently from someone else, but it's just as valuable when done with true faith, love, and humility). I'm content with whatever callings He gives to me in His service. Some others seem to be asked to do things without a calling--they have the abilities but most especially the personality for that--and while I'm not sure if that will ever be the case with me, it doesn't have to be, especially if I still can serve in the ways that are meaningful to me with sharing a recording, not just a one-time performance of something. So my update to my blog. Now I don't have to feel like this unresolved blog post from last year is still hanging out there. Like I said, the resolution and fulfillment are much different than I anticipated, but it is His will. And I can trust that whatever happens is His will, and that even if it's different from that which I would have thought of or wanted, it is a blessing for me, it is a blessing from Him, and that it is for my good and for the good of those He would have me serve, even if that number is fewer than I see others being able to share with and serve (we do live in an online world where the number of people we can touch is almost limitless--and there are many that have the abilities, personality, and opportunities to touch many, many lives). I'm content with what I'm alotted, however wide that circle may be, now and in the future, and I'm grateful for those that I touch, both in music and outside it, for my children, for those I teach and serve in other callings, and for friends who have helped me, one way or another, in the roles they have played, the advice they have offered, and in their true friendship and contributions and service given freely. I'm very grateful for life and hope to have whatever I need to do whatever He would have me do. I love you too! 3) OK, one very big last thing I have to share. It's two-fold, but related. First, that the Lord is the best mentor, therapist, friend, and helper we can have. I said last year that all my life I've been searching for a mentor, wanting one to help me develop and share the unusual talents I had, helping me find resources and opportunities to do so. Others have had those mentors, helpers, resources, or have found a way to gather and keep those people around them, and that's what I felt I was missing. Plus it's great to have someone who is like-minded, who has the same vision, who can help you in fulfilling that vision (which of course, isn't going to happen, because you're vision isn't there vision, but somehow there are a lot of people who do connect in that way and use their collaborations to make big things happen). I've realized--and sometimes have had to find out through trial and error--that the Lord really is the only true mentor, for me. He has been my therapist, my friend, my all. I don't know why sometimes I have to feel alone in this, when there are so many who it seems could have been able to help, and just didn't see me in the way that they could give that help. At the very least, I've always wanted some monetary help, because recording is not an inexpensive thing, and like I shared about this year, I really did feel that maybe I needed to turn to others to help bear the burden of recording--but the amount I've put into it isn't very great (been great for us in our circumstances, but compared to what others put into theirs, it's not). And I don't know if the Lord will ever help provide that. I know it would be necessary to be able to do a lot more in sharing this music more powerfully, getting full-blown orchestral recordings that really just do reach more powerfully (I might play the piano very orchestrally, but it doesn't mean it carries that power--wish it did, though!). But I am content with what I am alotted. And I know that I don't have to feel guilty or less because I don't have that power, and maybe won't until the next life. He really is the best mentor. I don't know what else He will teach me from here about being interdependent, especially after having felt very dependent on others and coming to the point where I could truly say I wasn't and relied on Him totally. But I will let Him guide that from here, having done what I could to figure it out myself and come to depend on Him intrinsically. There's a second part to this. I am enough. Or more correctly, in Him I am enough. I think I expressed in my blog post a year ago that I have always wished I was either a male, because they seemed to be listened to more & more powerful (I know that's being awfully simplistic, and they have a lot of challenges I don't have), or I wished I was "cuter," or had a more powerful personality, so that what I looked like didn't detract from what I did in performing and sharing music, and could enhance the music, or that I would have the personality to just make it happen, no matter what. I've been able to do things like that when I had callings, but without those purposes that include extra help, I've felt a bit lost, especially after experiencing them and then having to figure out how to do it without--how to do much good of my own free will while still being content with the things alotted to me, submitting to and hopefully wanting His will in the first place. But you know, I am enough, because that's how He's made me. Not that He doesn't want me to be a better me (and He does), and not that I haven't come a long way and still want to become so much better for Him, but I really am enough--I am content with who I am, how He's made me, weaknesses, strengths, and all. And in Him, I can be perfected, in the way He would have me be. And He could help me to perfectly use my strengths and weaknesses for His good, to build His kingdom, in His service, to spread His good. I'm grateful for Him, and I'm grateful for me. It's a process, being grateful for yourself--can't say that I, like all of us, don't have days and moments where I wish I was different or feel short of what I would like to be, or what He'd like me to be (and those can be 2 different things). But I can truly say that, because of my faith in Him, I am perfected in Him, even now--and I, with Him, am enough.