Fulfillment & Destiny

Do you ever wish you could just separate two halves of yourself so you could stop the conflicts that keep you from feeling peace? I know I am experiencing that. There are four sets of two halves of myself that are conflicting big right now. And, may I say, after writing all of this, the biggest conflict has to the one between that part of myself that is extremely self-critical, self-conscious, the one that has a really hard time expressing myself out loud or asking others to help, especially when it's something unnecessary but important to me, but can write & write & write, and the part of me that wants to just do my best, helping others do their best, giving what I can to others, the part of myself that my kids & usually my husband sees everyday where I have so much fun with them, being myself & sharing myself, loving them, serving them, and doing what I can, even if it's just my best, and isn't constantly having anxieties about asking for help, with both the necessary and the unnecessary but important-to-me things. But that said, these are the other conflicts that arise from this conflict. First of all, there's the creative, put-myself-out-there, be-in-charge-of-everything--from asking for an opportunity or just scheduling it, to organizing, to arranging, to coordinating the interest & efforts of many, to setting up, to living with the aftermath thing-self, versus the I-just-do-windows-self--I play the music I'm asked to play, because I'm not the kind that should have a creative side. I should just be one that stays in the background, or has enough people around her--managers--to make it so she just has to stay in the background, even if I'm playing something I've partially created. I wish I could just separate those halves, or sometimes I wish I only had one half--because it's too hard to shift modes without conflicts, especially where the first one, as I explain at the end, I need so much support in--and the first mode, I'm not sure I'm entirely cut out for, at least as far as where others are concerned--I'm not sure I'm seen that way--I get asked to play and that's it--when the playing is done, that's all I feel good for, or utilized for, in music--or when I try to stretch & do something more, I feel it just doesn't hit the mark where you'll be asked again to do it, especially since you were never asked in the first place to do it--if someone asks to do something, it's usually expected, especially at a certain level, that there's real competence and professionalism across the board demonstrated, that someone knows what they're doing overall, not just in one area. And thus the conflict continues over wanting to be more, but never feeling like I'm ever going to be. The second conflict occurs with music in a Church worship or inspirational setting vs. music that either promotes itself because it has to in order to continue to be made or music that is for fun, for decoration, for utility, which can include everything from teaching others so they can do something with it, to performing for a reason that fills a practical need. Enough said there for now, except the financial, promotional aspect, especially when it comes to sacred music, is always going to be a conflict. Except it takes money to make something others can benefit from. There are some who would say that sacred music doesn't need to have that component--or that we don't need the decorative sacred music. Except it really does take something to make it of good quality. I wish I didn't have to think about it, in that I only did secular music & the sacred music of choir & sacrament meeting. But I know if I did, and this goes right into the third conflict, that there is something that is so much a part of me, that to suppress it would literally hurt--it has. The third conflict is so much the same, but also has to do with others & the support I feel, especially in doing new things. I wish I could go to Church, play for choir, sacrament meeting, special musical numbers, never feel that there's more I want to do as well instead of just add to the worship, which is wonderful, but just doesn't feel like it's all I'm supposed to do. But to do more involves so much redefining, stretching, others seeing me in a different role, others supporting me in a different & very stretching role--not just with words & acceptance, but feelings--feelings of support, encouragement, & desire to help that understands how hard it is to ask & stretch, much as we would help when we know someone weak is doing something that requires a lot (even if it's something that means something just to them)--more than compliments, but expressions that they are glad to give & help. That might be asking so much--it might require so much--that I might retreat from doing more if I don't have that support--not that I'm supposed to rely on others--I'm the one that decides & needs to believe in me, I know--but we absolutely need others around us, who can support, catch the vision with us--even if we have a hard time communicating that vision--it's not like just playing something in a familiar role, in what is the usual, where I don't have to have extra support--I need that support, just like someone in a really new, scary, unfamiliar calling needs help, especially when you know they're weak. Doing more involves so much to happen that I'm not just sure it's ever going to happen--and thus the conflict continues, the lack of peace in knowing I'm using my talents in the way I feel such a desire to, a desire that's hopefully put there by the Lord, though sometimes I wonder if it's just me & not Him. I hope it's Him--I want to believe it is--but sometimes experience suggests maybe it's not. It's so hard to know what He wants--especially with sacred music. Obviously there are some who are meant to do so much more with music than just provide music for sacrament meeting, as important & wonderful & fulfilling as that can be. I guess it's because there are others that do more, either in the ward, the stake or even in the church as a whole, that makes me feel like I'm supposed to more--or it gives my spirit something to want to do--and I don't know if that's Him, or just me. I don't know if those who do so much more are just cut out for it & He provides the opportunities or others provide the opportunities because that's what they are made for. I'm not sure what I'm made for. I don't know. In the same vein, there's the conflict between my nonmusical self--sometimes all I want to be is a wife & mother, a good person, a good worker, a good friend, a good servant--but when I try to only focus on that, I feel like there's part of me that's just lying under the surface that is being neglected--a part I'm trying so hard to deny, but I just can't. I can do a lot, even with my kids young--so many times someone will say to me there's a time & a season. Tell that to the part of me who feels I need to continue to share, especially my creative self, the part of my self that knows so much spiritually but still needs a lot of encouragement, the part that I know is there, even when I try to neglect it and not think about it. It's something I have to fit in my life--hopefully I've been given talents to try to balance--or at least to work on it--life is a work in progress, & even learning to balance is a work in progress--I won't be perfect at it, but it's still worth taking the risks. I'm so grateful my children do get to be a part of this. When I get frustrated, it's not because I resent having more to do besides raising them--it's more about not being supported as much as I need to when I let all of the parts of me serve others in the way I need to. It's hard to know sometimes--as much as praying and being patient for the right time & season have the most worth, sometimes it's not enough--some of us really are weak and need some extra guidance, support, looking out for, opportunities, from those around us, even if we seem strong, or at least in other areas seem strong, just as we support someone who's just coming from being less active because we know if they don't have it, they just may not continue. And sometimes we need to know it's OK to do things now--just support us & don't tell us you just need to continue to be patient & wait. I need some real support in finding out what I'm made for--I think we all do--not just the old just pray & be patient & see things as they are. We all need support, individually, not just the one-size-fits-all approach. I hope I can give it. I pray we can all receive it.