Directions

Just got to write something. Life is a very up-and-down journey, but I can say it definitely has more ups than downs. Sometimes you don't know where you're going, but you know you're being led. And sometimes you don't see things as they are, but you want to, so you keep seeking discernment as life presents new situations. Decisions I've made recently: I am doing a piano CD, one way or another. I've played with the idea of just recording it on my MIDI keyboard and giving it to someone to mix. But the reality is I'm probably more comfortable on a piano, and it's the real thing. Hard to sell a piano CD that I can't truthfully say was done on a piano. And it really isn't that much more. I just have to have these pieces fixed in my mind enough that I won't be wasting my time experimenting. Which means I have actually have to practice, or get to practice. But that's hard to do on a piano, because kids and piano don't mix--they don't always let me play (they want to do it themselves). But it feels better than being in my own little corner on my keyboard and trying to get things right there. It's hard sometimes to not want to do more with voice, but it's just not the right time to do it in the right way. I know, very surely, that I am supposed to do a piano CD, even if it takes a little faith to do (financially). But doing a piano CD, I won't have to sell too much to recoup costs. That's a good thing. And maybe I'll be able to actually make money on it. I've have a hard time wrapping my head around the whole idea of selling sacred music. Some people don't have to. I think I've just finally submitted to the idea that I'm going to have to to do something. For whatever reason, that's my lot in life. And it's my lot in life to start them with piano, even though I'd love to sing them or play them with someone, or somewhere way down the road, orchestrate them. Someday. I know I can do it, though. That's not the question. I will be doing a piano/voice version, but it's not going to be a sellable one, so I'm going to do the MIDI here and then record the voice in a studio and have them do an easy mix--cheaper! I've overcome lots of hurdles, real or imagined, along the way. What the music world thinks, what others in my neighborhood or family think as I seek for greater things, the focus it takes away from doing the most important things. being wife and mother and doing what I can in my own little corner of the vineyard here. I've had to wrestle with the idea of time & season and sticking with my corner of the vineyard, and decided that for whatever reason, this is the time and season for this--it's OK to do more. It really is, for me. Not for everyone. We all have our own paths. Just because this isn't someone else's path doesn't mean it isn't mine. And just because my path hasn't been someone else's doesn't mean that I shouldn't do something and forge my own path & do something more with music. The time and money things have stood in the way--but sometimes you have to put a little faith--and time and money in--even if you alone can see the results--and hopefully the end will be wonderful. I've learned that doing "Savior of the World." I had a vision, and even if that wasn't exactly how it ended up as I very trepidaciously but with a lot of spiritual impetus went forward, and others helped to make it a reality, it was a wonderful result. It has been a wonderful journey so far, and I know it will continue to be a wonderful journey, downs, ups, and all!

I've just learned (and been told) it really is harder to give up some dreams, even if they take a little. I've learned that with my husband, David, and his career. I am grateful for the choices we've made, even if they haven't always turned out to be the best ones. I know he couldn't have given up those dreams & had to follow them, learning much in the process. I don't know if following this dream will end up the same way--not really seeing success with this, or if it's more just getting it out of my system. Music's a little different than real estate or investing, though, so maybe there's possibilities. There's always some kind of need for music, in one way or another. We live in a day where it can be made & share so easily--too easily sometimes, kind of like you're trying to "compete" or keep up with those who are doing it already so seemingly effortlessly now. It's time for some real direction, some steps into the darkness. I'm also grateful to direct our ward choir right now, and grateful for their willingness to let me do some of my own music. They're guinea pigs, even if they don't realize it. I've got to thank them for that someday. I did a song last week--a version of "Love At Home" and "Home Can Be a Heaven on Earth" that I made 7 years ago on request when we lived in Sandy and which I've been trying to do in this ward every since (some perks to being choir director), started an arrangement of "God Bless America" that we tried out yesterday (needs some work still!), and I'm going to do the SSA and SATB versions of "Savior, Redeemer of My Soul" next week (with a few minor revisions)--that one's been a long time in doing, since I've had them both for a long time and never been able to find the right opportunity to have them done. Oh, I'd love to record these with this choir (we've got the best ward choir in the LDS church, by the way). Maybe they'd be willing to do that for me. I just don't know how to set it up so it would sound decent on the recording. Sometimes it's hard to share music I've written with others, especially as part of a calling. After spending 3 hours on "God Bless America" yesterday, I thought if I'd given as much time to my other music, I could have so much finalized with it. And then we do it, and I realize I need to change so many things. Choral writing is very tedious. I need to experiment with Finale and see if there's an easier way to get it into parts. I'm thinking in my mind of a way to make it so much easier (play the chords & have those chords translated into the different voice parts automatically). Now that I think about it, it's hard for me to think that wouldn't be part of the Finale program. More things to learn--maybe it's part of the new version that I keep wanting to upgrade to (don't know if things would change a lot in 5 years, but 5 years in computer time is an eon).

Also had a couple of things about the 13rd Article of Faith hit me this morning. I've never really thought about the words, what praiseworthy, virtuous, lovely, or of good report mean. That's what I'm trying to do, contribute in my own way things that are praiseworthy, virtuous, lovely, and of good report. It's a journey, one I'm grateful for. We'll keep going, and we'll get there--wherever there is supposed to be!